Where is the Love?
Abuse Prevention Emphasis
Day 2004
Resource Packet
Prepared by the General
Conference
Abuse Prevention Emphasis
Day Committee
Adventist Chaplaincy
Ministries
Adventist
Review
Children’s Ministries
Education Department
Family Ministries
Health Ministries
Ministerial Association
Women’s Ministries
Youth Ministries
Abuse Prevention Emphasis Day Resource
Packet
Sermon – The Absence of Love by Jean Parchment
Children’s Page
Seminar – Jannene Howse (accompanying PowerPoint Presentation in separate attachment)
Article – Paul Petersen
Handout – 7 Myths
List of Resources –books, websites, etc.
In Separate Attachments:
PowerPoint for Seminar (seminar by Jannene Howe)
PowerPoint - (Suggested use between Sabbath services, no commentary needed)
Suggested Bookmarks – you can use design to create your own
SERMON
The
Absence of Love
Scripture: John
Opening Hymn: 318 – Whiter than Snow
Closing Hymn: 319 – Lord, I want to be a Christian
The sound of the party was irresistible. Laughter, voices, more laughter, then the quiet voice of someone telling a story. As she pressed her face close to the door, she could smell the aroma of delicious food being served, food fit for a king. She was certain of that because her sister was the one in charge of catering.
With
her heart pounding she resolved, “I am going in there! I also will be a part of
this celebration, I want to honor this man!”
Quietly, she crept through the door and made her way behind the honored guest. Quickly, she opened her treasured perfume and then did the unthinkable. Reaching out, she dared to put some on His head. She then dropped to her knees while uncontrollable tears of love and joy streamed down her cheeks unto His feet. She poured the perfume on His feet and used her hair to wipe them.
But
alas, all did not go as planned. It’s possible that it was her intent to
quickly disappear after paying homage; yet, the fragrance of the perfume drew
everyone’s attention. Of course it would; she was in a room full of only
men—perfume did not belong there! Then, in the most abusive tone the spiritual
leaders reacted to this demonstration of love with criticism and rebuke, the
evidence of the absence of love.
This incident was of such importance to the gospel message that it is found in all of the synoptic gospels. I invite you to read all four accounts when you are able; the references are: Matthew 26:6-13, Mark 14; 1-9, Luke 7:36-50, John 12:1-8.
As we notice, Jesus did not offer rebuke or scolding for what could have been interpreted as a “suggestive” act by a woman whose reputation was that of a prostitute. Instead, all He saw was a precious young woman who had nothing but love that she so much wanted to give.
It did not matter to Him that she was going against the dictates of her culture where a woman was not allowed to talk with a man in public other than her husband, or that it was improper for her to be in a room with men other than her husband and sons.
Neither did it matter to Him that it might be interpreted that the act of letting down her hair in the presence of men confirmed what was already in their minds—that she was a woman of the night. All that mattered to Jesus was that here was a person He loved and whom He came to save.
She came to a religious community, a community that was the symbol of holiness, happiness, kindness, patience, gentleness, unconditional acceptance and love. Yet, what did she encounter, abuse by the way of criticism, judging, condemning, controlling, discrimination, and scorn.
Is it possible that these individuals, if they were confronted with the fact that they were abusive would likely excuse their behavior by saying “Oh no, we were only protecting our traditions, our guest, our reputation, or our church.”
Quite often an abusive person will justify their actions or reactions saying, “I am doing or saying this because I know what is best for you.” Friends, as long as someone is being hurt there is no justification for abuse regardless of culture, age or ethnicity and that is why Jesus said, in defense of the woman, “Leave her alone.”
Let’s take a closer look at the people who were at this party. They were the religious leaders, the disciples, and the fathers who were the heads of households. These individuals represented the home, the community, and the church.
I invite you to look around at our church this morning. Each of us represent the home, the community, and ultimately we make up the church. We are the church.
And so we need to ask ourselves the big question. “Is there also an absence of love in my family? Is there an absence of love in my community? Is there an absence of love in my church? Do we as a church condone and foster an absence of love?
What kind of picture do we get when there is an absence of love?
Brother and Sister Grey were the backbone of the church. He was an elder and she was also very active in church. Their children modeled perfect behavior, sitting quietly through the entire church service. But every Sabbath, as soon as the evening service was over, father Grey would take some of the children behind the church and give them a whipping. Why? Because they had at some time during the Sabbath “misbehaved.” What a negative picture of God and the church these children developed!
Children receive their concept of God and love as a result of how they are treated by significant adults in their lives. These adults, who are generally their parents, represent God and love to them. Consequently, if the method used to discipline a child is with hitting, punching, slapping, pinching, verbal abuse, withholding food, or denying medical attention, it will be difficult for that child to understand love and trust.
Why are we using this precious time allotted for a sermon to address this issue of abuse?
Because this is a very important issue to God. He made us to receive and give love. Abuse in any and all forms interferes with this process of giving and receiving love. The heart of the Gospel is for each of us to recognize and realize God’s love. Abuse is not love; it is the absence of love. Abuse wounds and hurts. And so we feel commissioned to address this issue of abuse even on the Sabbath because the Bible writers addressed it in several references:
Let’s look at Psalms 11:5
“The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence His soul hates.”
This is strong language! The soul of God hates those who love violence. What does it mean to hate? Synonym for hate is abhorrence, revulsion, disgust, and extreme dislike. We can safely say God abhors or is disgusted with violence of every shape or form whether it is in the home, church, or community. Let’s look at another text that highlights domestic abuse and violence.
Malachi
And what generally is the cause of violence? James 4:1 has the answer: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?
And what are these desires? Verse 3 explains, “When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures.”
By all appearances it seems that James is implying that violence in all forms is generated out of the motive of selfishness. Selfishness is a desire to satisfy whatever urge we may have at the expense of someone else. That person could be a helpless dependent child, a teenager, a spouse, or a senior citizen. These desires can range from sexual to the desire to control and dominate. We need to remember that both male and female can be guilty of selfishness, which causes violence and abuse.
We think of an angry person as one who tends to display fits of violence, someone with a bad temper. That is one description. But anger also shows itself in other forms.
How about a controlling, critical, unbending individual. This person may always seem to “be in control” but really, are they? Such an individual, even if he or she does not fly off in a rage is also displaying selfishness.
Ok! God addressed abuse and domestic violence in the Bible. Is that not enough?
We wish it were, and that we could safely say that we are free from the effects of abuse. We must remember that we, the church, are also a part of the community. What happens in the community is reflected in the church. Ardis Stenbakken, Women’s Ministries Director for the General Conference, reported the following statistics:
World-wide: One out of every three women has been abused in some form.
In
In
In Paupa
New
In
In
In the
Given these frightening statistics, would we even wonder if this is not an issue to concern us? Yes friends, it is very sad to realize that abuse of all forms is also in our homes and our churches.
One of the most tender and touching scenes of Jesus’ ministry is recorded in Matthew 18: 5-6, 10. The disciples were in a political battle, vying for status. It must have been a surprise to these aspiring disciples when Jesus called a helpless little child, and using the child as an icon of importance in God’s Kingdom declared,
“Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.”
Jesus
could have stopped at this but He did not. He saw that it was of great
importance to add,
“But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”
And in verse 10 He emphasizes,
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”
He
went on to tell the story of a man who had one hundred sheep and one wondered
away and got lost. He then asks in verse 12 “
“Will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wondered off?
Then He concluded in verse 14,
“In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing
that any of these little ones should be lost.
What a picture! God is not willing for any of our children to be lost.
Adults, let’s pause a moment to look at the children who are here with us. Would you agree that the right of every child here is to live in a safe, happy, and healthy environment? An environment where they would learn to love and trust? An environment where they would develop socially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
Do we all agree that these are the God given rights of every child?
If you were given the responsibility of choosing to deny one of these little ones the right to health and happiness, which child would you choose? I know I could not make that choice, could you? Yet, Jesus is saying, if anyone here is responsible to cause one of these children to be in a situation where they will be forced to sin, that person is in big trouble with God.
How can we cause a child to sin? There are several ways where we as adults are directly responsible for the choices a child makes. Setting a bad example is one form of causing a child to sin. This is because we cannot teach values. Children catch our values by watching how we live, how we react and act. They are able to discern when our words do not match up to our actions. In other words, when we are not genuine and honest.
Emotional, sexual, physical, and spiritual abuse also causes a child to sin because abuse defaces the image of God. A person who has suffered abuse grows up with a confused image of God and of self. They grow up feeling dirty, used, unattractive, and overall having a very low feeling of self worth. Generally, as adults they have difficulty realizing and recognizing what wholesome, real love is about and often they feel that they don’t deserve love.
A book on abuse tell us:
When children
are neglected or their needs go unmet, or when they are damaged early in life,
often they cease to develop emotionally at the same pace as they do physically.
While the body and its functions mature, the emotions cease their progress. A
physical adult can easily be an emotional child.1
Abuse is certainly the devil’s tools to cripple and dwarf the emotional growth and development of children.
When children suffer abuse what are they learning? They are learning that the only way to resolve problems or conflicts is with abusive behavior. In the case of sexual abuse, the children internalize that the only way they can show love is through sexual contacts.
Therefore, abuse is cyclical and carries through from one generation to another. Children witnessing violence and abuse learn to deal with conflict violently—it is modeled as an acceptable way to live. Later in life they will generally become either a victim or an abuser. This creates a perpetuating cycle of abuse to the next generation.
Furthermore, the Massachusetts Department of Youth Services reports that children brought up in violent homes are 74% more likely to commit criminal assaults. And the New Jersey Department of Community Affairs, Division on Women noted that 81% of men who physically abuse had fathers who abused their mothers.
Abuse
comes in many ways. One is verbal abuse, where a person is constantly put down
and criticized, scolded, and embarrassed in public and before their friends.
They are called names and made fun of constantly. They are called derogative
terms such as you are ugly, you are dumb, stupid, fat, etc. This is also a very
serious form of abuse.
There are situations where a child is separated from his or her parents for an extended period, or when a child is moved around from one caregiver to another; that child is deprived of the ability to bond to a significant person in his or her life. Children are not able to understand neglect, violence, hurt or pain.
As we focus on this issue, it is important to take the time to ask ourselves some very hard questions, “Am I an angry person? Do I use anger as a shield to cover my deep feelings of unmet emotional needs? Are there individuals in the home, at work or church who are scared of me?”
Do I have to have things happen my way; do I tend to be in control no matter what? Do I get upset when others do not agree with me? Has anyone ever told me that I am an angry or selfish or controlling person? It is very difficult for us to see ourselves, to evaluate our actions and motives. Many times we are guilty of doing wrong and we are not aware of it. This is why we may want to follow David’s example and make Psalm 139:23-24 a daily prayer:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
And lead me in the way
everlasting.
If this is my prayer, God will answer and show me if and when I am guilty of some form of abuse. If we are honest with ourselves we will admit that at some time of our lives, we have or presently are guilty of inflicting hurt and pain on a loved one, that there is an absence of love in our life.
If
we are truly serious about how we relate to God and others relative to this
abuse issue, let me suggest that you take some very important steps.
The first step is to acknowledge to yourself and God that you have been abusive or controlling in any form. Abuse is a sin against God. Then ask for His forgiveness.
The next step is to go to your spouse or whomever has been abused and ask for his or her forgiveness. Set a time to have a heart to heart talk when the children are not present. Take time to discuss how you feel about your relationship. Then talk with the children. It is always the parents or adults responsibility to create an atmosphere where communication can take place, where the children can freely and safely tell parents how they feel. It is the parent’s responsibility to do everything in their power to encourage this type of open communication with their children. It may be necessary to have someone outside help in trying to establish this avenue of communication.
It may be that the abuse issues are so deep and dark that professional help is necessary. The issue of sexual abuse and domestic violence is an issue that needs the proper help from a qualified individual. If that is the case, it is a God given responsibility to seek help from a medical doctor or a qualified professional counselor.
It is also the responsibility of leaders in the church to create an atmosphere where open communication can be encouraged between leadership and all age groups. This is the key to healthy growth and development of every home and every congregation. An atmosphere where everyone feels as if they are heard and understood, not just patronized and tolerated.
Abuse is not limited to only adults to children. Many young people are abusive to each other even when they are in a dating relationship. If you find that your boyfriend or girlfriend, or your fiancé displays abusive traits, if you are always put down, hit, punched, threatened, or feel controlled, these are warning signs that the relationship is not healthy. It is very important that you seek help and council before getting to the stage of marriage.
We must always remember that God hates violence but He loves the violent or abusive person and His reason for sending Jesus to die is to save that person from their violent, controlling, angry, depraved behavior.
There is hope. With a change of heart comes a change of attitude and even if the process of change includes professional help, God wants to use these methods to change us because God’s soul hates violence. He is a God of love. The mission and gospel of Jesus is to help us to understand that God loves us and wants to save us regardless of all the sins that we have committed. His love for us drove Him to die to save us that we, in turn, would show others through our actions and reactions what His love looks like and feels like. Therefore His command to us is that we must love each other as He has loved us.
The next step in healing is searching for help. Read books on the subject. You can get books from your Christian or local bookstore. Or if possible, find a Christian counselor who will help you through the problem.
For more in-depth information regarding the different forms of abuse, you will be given a handout at the end of this service. Friends, whatever it takes, God has given us the responsibility to get help.
If you know of abuse that is happening in the home of another member or friend, it is our responsibility to do all we can to intervene. Abuse is the church’s responsibility. We are just as guilty as the abuser if we turn a blind eye and refuse to acknowledge that this is happening. It is a sin to do so. God is pleading with each of us to do our part in addressing this awful problem.
“Speak
up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are
destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”
Proverbs 31:8-9
It is a sacred responsibility to address this issue of abuse and violence in the home and in the church. Today, I am inviting you to commit with me to make this a matter of heart searching and prayer.
Pray
for God to search each heart to discover if we have or are presently an abuser,
whether it is sexual, physical, emotional, or spiritual. And if we are, to be honest enough to seek
God’s forgiveness and to get help. Repentance and reformation begins with each
of us; it must begin with me.
In Malachi 4:5-6 God expresses His desire that the hearts of the fathers should be turned to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers.
Can we commit that today be the beginning of the turning of hearts in the home, between fathers and mothers, between children and parents, between members of our extended family, between members of our congregation? If this your desire, let us stand for a prayer of commitment.
Suggested prayer:
Dear God, at this moment we praise you for the love gift in the Person of Jesus who gave His all to show us real love. Thank You for this gift. Because of His gift we ask for Your forgiveness for the many times we have defaced this love by being abusive to those who were looking to us for love and kindness. Search each of our hearts, and help us to discern our motives for each action. We seek your leading in our lives. Please teach us to love each other as You have loved us. In the name of Jesus, Amen.
1Belonging. Nancy and Ron Rockey, Kay Kuzma. Pacific Press, (1999), p. 76
Abuse Awareness
Day
Children’s Page
Jesus loves children. You are very
special to Him, and He wants you to feel welcome at Church and be a part of
His Kingdom. ·
Read
Mark 10, verse 14 and complete the following. “Let the _______ children come to me and ___ not hinder them, for the
_________ of heaven belongs to such as these.”
When parents
brought their children to Jesus, He took them in His arms and blessed
them. Hugs are meant to make us feel
loved, warm and cozy. If someone
hugs you and it makes you feel uncomfortable and scared, then you are
allowed to say “PLEASE STOP – I don’t like it!” It What
__________________
___________________
___________________
______________
_______________
Memorize Matthew 7:12 , and recite it to your Pastor or
Children’s Ministries Coordinator.
|
|
Memorize Matthew
|
Don’t be afraid
to share your secrets. If anyone
hurts you, tell someone who can help you. What Would Jesus Do? Draw a picture
of children being kind to each other.
Unscramble Jeremiah 29:11 “plans harm you I to have prosper not you to and” Jesus wants us
to treat people with kindness and respect.
Unscramble this text and write it in the spaces. Give
your completed page to your Pastor or Children’s Coordinator.
SEMINAR -
1. Preventing Abuse and
Violence - A Top Priority
A. God’s Top Priority
1. What does God think
about abuse and domestic violence?
a. God
says His soul hates the one who loves violence. (Ps 11:5)
b.
Christ did no violence. (Is 53:9) He spoke the truth in love.
c.
Hundreds of Bible passages talk about violence, abuse, rape, incest,
lying in wait, stalking, threats, twisting others words, intimidation, oppression
and affliction.
d.
God’s word absolutely condemns violence and abuse as sin and wickedness. We were
created to love.
2. God has acted so
there may be no mistake about what He thinks.
a.
When the earth became “filled with violence” and everyone’s possible thoughts
were only evil on a continual basis, God was sorry He had made man, “it grieved
him at his heart.” They chose not to
believe His offer of salvation and all but eight drowned.
b. The sexual violence of the people of
c.
The Egyptian’s brutal slavery of God’s people and refusal to recognize the
inalienable rights that God has given, ultimately led to the plagues and their
drowning in the
d.
When the tribe of Benjamin harbored abusive rapists who brutally gang raped a
man’s wife to death, God told
B. The Seventh-day Adventist Church
1. At the 1995 General Conference Session in
2. In 2001, the General Conference voted that
the fourth Sabbath of each August would be dedicated to an emphasis on
preventing abuse.
3. Eight Departments of the Seventh-day
Adventist church have decided to make this issue a key priority. They are
Adventist Chaplaincy Ministries, Adventist Review,
Children Ministries, Education Department, Family Ministries, Health
Ministries, Ministerial Association, Personal Ministries Women's Ministries,
and Youth Ministries.
4.
Why is it a Top Priority?
a.
God’s word condemns violence in personal relationships.
(Gen 6:11,13; Ps 11:5; Isa 58:4,5;
Rom 13:10; Gal 5:19-21)
b.
It is the spirit of Christ to love and accept, to affirm and build others up rather than to abuse
or demean them. (Rom
c. There
is no room among Christ’s followers for tyrannical control and abuse of power.
(Matt 20:25-28; Eph 6:4) Violence in the marriage and family is abhorrent.
(From the 2000
d. The gospel is God’s
rehabilitation program for sinners/abusers and the Church is to be a refuge
for victims.
5. Abuse is
Prevalent Within our Church ¾The presence of abuse in our
church family is well documented by statistics of the Department of Family
Ministries. There are many people in our churches who are hurting from abuse.
There are many who have left.
Abuse and Family violence statistics among
Seventh-day Adventists:
Females 8 -18% reported
being sexually abused
15
- 43% reported being physically abused
27-
69% reported being emotionally abused
Males 4 -12% of males reported sexual abuse
6
- 37% reported emotional abuse
16
- 55% reported physical abuse
(Reported across seven world
divisions¾8000
people completed an Adventist Family survey, 1994, GC Family Ministries
office.)
C. Abuse: World’s Biggest Human Rights
Issue
1. The staggering
scale of murder, assault, rape, and abuse from domestic violence has led researchers to call
the horror of domestic violence “bigger than an atrocity.”
2.
Violent acts are most often committed behind closed doors and go unreported,
making violence "one of the leading public health issues of our time.”
(World Health Organization Report)
3.
Ninety-two percent of American women rank domestic and sexual violence as one
of their top priorities.
4.
Kofi Annan, President of
the United Nations, has recently said, “Abuse against women is the
most widespread of all abuses in the world.” One in three females around
the world will be raped, beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during
her lifetime. (UN on the Status of Women,
5.
“Violence against women is the most universal and unpunished crime of all,”
states Not a Minute Longer. (UNIFEM)
6.
“Violence against women in the home remains the most pervasive form of
human rights abuse.” (UNDFW: Women's Rights Are Human
Rights, N.Y. 1992.) It is estimated that one in every three homes is
affected by abuse.
7.
Women are 5-8 times more likely to be the victim of the abuse of an intimate
partner than men. (Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by
Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends or Girlfriends, US Department of Justice,
March 1998)
2. All About Abuse and Domestic Violence
A. What is Abuse or
Domestic Violence? Abuse or domestic violence occurs when one person uses
violent or intimidating behavior to control or dominate the other person,
resulting in physical, sexual and or psychological damage, forced social
isolation or economic deprivation, or behavior that leaves the victim living in
fear. Abuse is more than just an argument or disagreement. It includes fear,
control, domination, victimization and harm.
Someone is being hurt.
1. Physical abuse or violence¾Kills
or harms another person’s body.
a.
Punching, hitting, slapping, shoving, throwing objects, pulling hair, biting, twisting limbs, choking,
kicking, strangulation, the infliction of fractures or burns, the use of chemicals etc.
b.
Use of weapons like guns or knives regularly leads to murder.
c.
Depriving a person of basic needs¾food,
money, contact with others,
denial of nutrition, denial of sleep, denial of medical
care, forced restraint or forced isolation.
d.
The practice of selective sex abortions, killing of female newborn babies¾60
million females missing (UN), bride burning, honor killings [explain bride
burning and honor killings?]- 1000s every year (UNFPA), female genital
mutilation ¾90
million African women & girls (Heise 1994), sex
slavery¾
4 million slaves, mostly women & girls. (UNICEF)
2. Emotional abuse¾Hurts
or disables a person’s psyche.
a.
Words and behaviors that destroy another person’s belief in themselves,
humiliates them and reduces their self-esteem, destroying their identity. Designed to make victim
feel helpless.
b.
Insults about appearances, ability to cope or to be able to succeed on own. Negative putdowns, stalking, and harassment.
c. Brainwashing over time. Victim may begin to
believe, accept and repeat the emotional abuse to themselves. Victim may feel guilty or worthless because abuser
projects guilt onto them. d.
Threats¾aimed
at terrorizing¾to
kill pets, to kill you, to kill the children, to destroy the household
property, or will commit suicide.
e. Manipulation,
twisting the truth, saying the victim is evil, it’s their fault etc.
3.
Social Abuse¾Hurts a person’s social standing.
a.
Delivering verbal abuse in front of other people¾putdowns, jokes,
criticisms about appearance, sexuality, and intelligence.
b.
Controlling behavior, controlling access to others, interrogations, false accusations.
c.
Isolating a person by denigrating their friends and family, leading them to cut
themselves off, fearing that it will enrage their abuser.
4.
Sexual Abuse¾This is any sexual act to which an adult does not freely
give consent or any sexual act with a child e.g. rape, sexual abuse,
pedophilia, female genital mutilation
5.
Spiritual Abuse or Persecution¾ The abuser will attack the victim’s beliefs, their
faith, or their source of strength to maintain absolute control.
B.
Abusive behaviors can affect anyone. Women
and children are most often affected, but women can abuse too. Family violence
cuts across all ages and sections of socio-economic,
and cultural groups.
C. The signs and symptoms of abuse¾These
can range from depression, anxiety, post
traumatic stress disorder, sleeping, eating and sexual disorders, distrust of
people in general or authority figures, loss of self esteem, feelings of
helplessness and worthlessness, isolation, addictions, abusiveness¾sometimes
leading to murder.
D. Breaking
the Generational Cycle of Abuse
a.
Abuse is cyclical and carries through from one generation to another.
b.
Children witnessing violence learn to deal with conflict violently¾it is
modeled as an acceptable way to live. Later in life they will generally become
either a victim or an abuser. This creates a perpetuating cycle of abuse to the
next generation.
c.
Children brought up in violent homes are 74% more likely to commit criminal
assaults. (Massachusetts Department of Youth Services) Eighty-one percent of
men who physically abuse had fathers who abused their mothers. (New Jersey
Department of Community Affairs, Division on Women)
d.
The generational cycle can be broken if parents and families are willing to
learn new ways of dealing with conflict. (See Department of Family Ministries and 2003
Abuse Prevention Emphasis Day materials for material or help with breaking the
cycle of abuse.)
3. The Good
News
A. How Do We, as Adventists, Talk About It?
1. Correct
information empowers everyone. Truth sets us free.
2. We shouldn’t
tolerate abuse. It is a crime and it is sin.
3.
Abuse can continue where there is a culture of secrecy and silence. “Speak up
for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are
destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”
(Prov 31:8,9)
4. God calls us
to act. Abuse and violence flourish when good people do nothing. “Because sentence
against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them
to do evil.” (Eccl 8:11)
5.
Many chose to ignore it. Jesus said, “Beware of the leaven of the
Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. For there is nothing covered, that shall not be
revealed; neither hid that shall not be known. Therefore whatsoever ye have
spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken
in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.” (Luke 12:1-3)
B.
What can we do?
1. We need to
educate our children about their rights and responsibilities. We can educate our young girls
on what to look for to avoid abusive relationships, how to value themselves
as God values them.
We can educate our young men on how to
love¾how not to abuse.
2.
We can set up regional refuges and train women in our church to work in this
huge field of human suffering. We can educate through seminars on Domestic
Violence, Anger Management, Learning How to Love, Healing from Abuse, Family
Relationships, and on Parenting.
3.
We can help to pass laws in countries where there is no protection of
domestic rights.
4. How to Help
Someone Who is Being Abused
a.
Listen and don’t judge the victim or abuser. Take the report seriously no
matter how important or powerful the abuser is. b.
Show that you care and pray with them. Presenting their case, ask God for help and wisdom for
them to make the right decision. Believe He has heard you and claim His promises to defend
and save the oppressed. Thank God for
hearing and answering. c.
Find as many options of help in the community that you can. Look for a Domestic Violence service. Present the options to them,
and help by listening as they explore them.
Pray with them as they consider them, asking God for guidance.
Encourage them to tell a doctor so that any injuries can be documented. And remind
them that domestic violence is a serious crime and the
police and courts can provide help in these situations.
d. It will be
a very difficult and dangerous time for them¾so continue to listen and
indicate that you understand them. They will be fearful. Claim God’s peace,
protection and freedom from fear.
e.
Whatever decision they make, whether to stay or leave, support them non- judgementally.
Only they fully know the danger of their situation. Be careful to keep confidentiality.
f . Consider the rights and needs of children
separately.
C.
Help for Those Being Abused
1.
An overlooked principle is, “Wives submit yourselves unto your husbands as
it is fit in the Lord.” Eph. 5:22) and Children, obey your parents in
the Lord for this is right.” (Eph 6:1). Wives and children are to obey
husbands and parents within the parameters of God’s will.
2.
As the Israelite slaves
demonstrated, if we are being controlled or abused by someone, we may be unable
to render free loving service to God. To strive and seek for freedom is a
desire God puts in our hearts. For “where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is
liberty” (2 Cor.
3. There is a moral aspect to marriage, but
also a civil aspect. Abuse is incivility
and earthly governments usually protect people from incivility. (Romans 13:3,4) In countries where the civil law supports protection of
it’s people in line with God’s law, involving police, courts, intervention
orders and government bodies is not outside God’s will if the abuser refuses to
listen to the church. God says Himself, His church is
not a hiding place for criminals. We are not to commit abuse and crime and then
come to church and say we are Christians. He told his prophets not even to pray
for such people. (Jer 7:1-16) If someone abuses their
spouse or children it is a crime and a sin. Intervention orders or apprehended
violence orders can be obtained in some countries to keep the victim safe from
the abuser.
D.
The Good News for Those Being Mistreated
1.
When a man was married to a woman who was violent and demon possessed Ellen White wrote:
“He is under
no obligation to keep by his side one who will only torture his own soul.” (p.77 TSBA&D, EGW) “Don’t you know that you are the
2. Find safety. “If they persecute (abuse)
you in one city flee into another.” (Matt
3. Once
safe, if necessary, take time out until the abuser changes. When a woman
separated from her husband because he “hopelessly mistreated” her, this is what
Ellen White wrote to her:
“I have
received your letter, and in reply to it I would say, I cannot advise you to
return to D unless you see decided changes in him. The Lord is not pleased with the ideas he has
had in the past of what is due a wife....If he holds to his former views, the
future would be no better for you than the past has been. He does not know how
to treat a wife. I feel very sad about this matter. I feel indeed sorry for D, but I cannot
advise you to go to him against your judgment. I speak to you as candidly as I spoke to him:
it would be perilous for you to again place yourself under his dictation. I had hoped that he would change.... The Lord
understands all about your experiences...Be of good courage in the Lord; he
will not leave you nor forsake you. My heart goes out in tenderest
sympathy for you.” (AH p.344)
4. Once the victim is safe, they can take time
with prayer and counsel to consider their situation. Timeout separation gives
the abuser time to consider their actions also.
E. The Good News
for Abusers
1. God
loves the abuser, but hates the abuse. Jesus did not come to condemn but to
save. Jesus came to lift the burden of guilt and shame, to empower us to love
one another. He knows that being abusive hurts you too. (Prov
8:36)
2. Generally
we abuse because we have been abused. But it is possible to break the cycle.
Others have done it. Paul did it. The fear, hatred, control and bitterness can
be melted away by applying God’s love and forgiveness to our life. The gospel
is a rehabilitation program for both victims and abusers. The great news is we
can stop abusing and learn how to love! If we are abusing, we need to get help now,
before we do any more hurting. Talk to Jesus and a pastor or counselor. (use handouts #3)
4. Conclusion¾By Looking We Become Changed
Victims or abusers, we have all
been bitten by the serpent of sin and we are dying. But God has saved us
through Jesus and in Him we are a child of God, loved, accepted, significant
and secure. If you’ve been bitten, look¾just look¾at
the serpent on the pole, look at the vision of love.
“And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all [people] to myself.”
John 12:32, NRSV
ARTICLE –
Beating Up My Spouse
By Paul Petersen,
Field Secretary, SPD
In my home country
Later we
received strange news from Nuuk, the capital of
Unfortunately
reality is no joke. Violence and abuse
in the home is a horrible thing. Once love ruled, now only fear may be
left. Originally drawn to each other by
sentiments of love, man and woman are now emotionally entangled by a common
emotional history of violence, retribution and increasingly more futile
attempts at reconciliation. Children
grow up with violence as the predominant model of response to any crisis.
It is part
of my nature as a selfish human being that I try to justify my actions after
the fact. Various cultures may use what
is perceived as acceptable excuses for aberrant behaviour. It is also very much a part of the nature of
any religious person within a Christian culture to attempt to excuse selfish
actions by appealing to the Bible, the accepted authority. Therefore, people at times justify abuse and
violence by use of biblical texts. My
wife is to submit, it is claimed with reference to Ephesians 5:22. And does not submission indicate that I as a
male am to educate, teach, and even correct my submissive wife? To put her in the right
place? And do we not throughout
the Bible observe the fact that man is in charge? Just look at the divine laws given to Moses.
Does the
Bible address the issue of violence and abuse in the home? Is it anywhere in the Holy Writings implied
whether a spouse is allowed to beat the spouse or not? The fact is that neither the Old nor the New
Testament is silent on this issue, and their teachings are coherent and
consistent.
Old Testament Culture
and Laws
There is no
question that the cultures in which the Bible was produced was male dominated,
and that women at times had very little if any legal rights and very often were
abused. But let us get it right. Historical fact is not ethical
necessity. Historical description does
not imply divine prescription.
The divine
laws shared through Moses were in many ways protective of the weaker groups in
society, trying to safeguard the widow, the orphan, and the poor against the
consequence of evils that were already practised. God never condoned slavery, yet knowing that
it was a fact, He gave laws that would give some protection against even wider
abuse (such as Exodus 21:7-11 and Deut
Furthermore,
it is necessary to be aware of the fact that the Old Testament laws were
customary laws. Most of them were orally
transmitted. Those written down were
either unique examples in conflict with tradition, or they were extreme cases
that would serve as examples for similar, less extreme situations.
This
background helps us to realise the scope and
consequences of some of the laws that are otherwise less understood. If, for instance, a man hurt his slave,
whether male or female, by striking the slave, that slave was to be set free
(Exodus
In the
Jewish culture, this law became part of the basis for decisions regarding
marriages. At the time of Jesus, all Rabbinical courts agreed that any man was obliged to share
these three basics with his spouse. The
woman was not allowed by law to seek divorce (that was the prerogative of the
man), yet if the man did not provide these needs, she could go to the courts
which would order the husband to comply and fine him if he did not. The fines were of a size that would force the
man either to treat the wife decently or to divorce her so that she had the
freedom to remarry.
New Testament Culture
and Law
Jesus never
addressed some of these laws mentioned previously, but He was asked to take
side in another legal battle fought between the various Rabbinical
schools of his day. He took the stand
(cf. Matt 19:3-10) that man was not allowed to send his wife away for just any
reason. Moreover, he emphasised
the original ideal. God never intended
marriages to break up.
Yet, in
reality it happens. Did Jesus ever say
how to live with each other in such a way that the marriage will survive life’s
challenges? He certainly did. The injunction of Jesus to love the enemy
provides a basis. This is another
example of an extreme case. If we are to
turn the other cheek (Matt
Or look at
the fruit of Spirit as described by Paul in Galatians 5:22-23. It consists of love, joy, peace, and also
kindness, gentleness and self-control.
To beat up my spouse is not compatible with these values.
Let no one
fool himself. The Bible nowhere
justifies abuse and violence towards other people. It does not when it comes to my enemies. It does not when it comes to those who are
closest to us. Don’t abuse the Bible that
way.
The problem
of violence in the home is a tragic reality.
We need to recognise it for what it is and
avoid any attempt to use the Bible to justify evil. God wants to help anyone who is entangled in
such a situation. God does not want the
love to die and marriages to crumple.
Many good Christian counsellors are educated
to help couples who are victims of such a situation. What the Bible teaches on the topic is clear
and self evident.
7 MYTHS & FACTS about Domestic
Violence
“Where is the Love?”
Myth 1 Domestic violence doesn’t happen very often.
Fact Domestic violence occurs in one in four to five marriages or de-facto relationships and includes all Christian groups.
Myth 2 Domestic violence is a lower-class
phenomenon.
Fact Studies indicate that domestic violence is a problem that transcends boundaries of class.
Myth 3 Domestic violence only happens amongst
particular ethnic groups.
Fact Domestic violence
occurs in all groups. In one country in
the first year of its operation, 1986, the Domestic Violence Advocacy Service
had calls from women from 50 different countries.
Myth 4 Alcohol
causes domestic violence.
Fact Alcohol often triggers violence, but it is seldom the cause. In over 50% of cases reported to the police, the abuser was sober.
Myth 5 Women who are victims of domestic violence
deserve it. They must provoke him.
Fact There is no excuse for violence and in any case, many women report being hit from behind, with no warning.
Myth 6 Women who are victims of domestic violence
must be crazy or neurotic or they must like it otherwise they would leave.
Facts Studies show that the victims are normal – some may have had to adopt disturbed behaviours to survive in intolerable situations – just as others have done when tortured.
Myth 7 Men who are violent towards their partners
are psychopaths.
Facts These men are not usually psychiatrically ill. Indeed the prevalence of domestic violence, alone, must make us doubt this.
RESOURCES
“Where is the Love?”
Books
Alsdurf,
James & Phyllis (1989)
Battered into Submission –The Tragedy of Wife Abuse
in the
Amos, Anne, ed. (1990)
The Scandal of Family Violence. Uniting
Church Press,
Amos, Anne, ed. (1991) Victims
into Victors – Beyond Family Violence. Uniting Church Press,
Brown, Kevin (1998) Surviving
Sexual Abuse – A Creative Response to Child Abuse. Foreword by Bishop Richard
Holloway. Monarch Books,
Couden,
Barbara, ed. (1999) Understanding Intimate Violence.
Cox, Valerie, ed. (1993)
Domestic Violence – It Doesn’t
Happen at our Church… or Does It? A discussion starter,
resource kit and study guide. Lifecare, Baptist
Community Services,
Flowers, Karen and Ron with Audray Johnson, Elaine and Willie Oliver, Peace and Healing, Making Homes Abuse-free. Available through Advent Source. This book contains many listings for books on the subject of abuse and family violence.
White, Ellen G. (1980)
The Adventist Home.
World Evangelical Fellowship (2000) Biblical Thesis – A Biblical Response to Preventing Abuse Against Women. Taskforce on Abuse Against Women Commission on Women’s Concerns World Evangelical Fellowship. 43 pp.
Brochures
Breaking the Silence – set of 6 brochures. Women’s Ministries Department, General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.
Family Violence – Misuse of Power- Joint
Churches Domestic Violence Project, NSW,
God Speaks Against Abuse, Violence, Rape – set
of 6 brochures. Australian Evangelical
Sexually Abused –. Ministering to the, My Child has been, Help
for the person who has been. Set of 3
brochures. Australian Union Conference of
Videos
Videos are suitable for adult audiences only and are intended for pastors and church leaders education. Survivors give explicit details at times. Counselors or professionals with abuse and family violence expertise should be present to especially assist survivors and others.
After Sexual Abuse. Produced by the Mennonite Central Committee,
Break the Silence: Kids Against Child Abuse. Produced by
Bless Our Children: Preventing Sexual Abuse. Produced
by the Center for the Prevention of Sexual Abuse and Domestic Violence,
Broken Vows:
Religious Perspectives on Domestic Violence. Center For the
Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence.
Color. Running time: 59 minutes. (Also available in Spanish) . (Available in PAL format also).
The Crown Prince. Produced by The
Media Guild,
Deck the Halls. Time Out Series. Produced by Select Media,
Hear Their Cries: Religious
Responses to Child Abuse. Center for the Prevention of Sexual Abuse and Domestic Violence.
Color. Running time: 48 minutes. (Also available in Spanish) (Available in PAL format also).
Loved, Honored, and Bruised. Produced by the National Film Board of
Canada and marketed by The Media Guild,
Not in My Church. Produced by the Center for the
Prevention of Sexual Abuse and Domestic Violence,
Scared Silent: Exposing and Ending Child
Abuse. Produced by Arnold Shapiro Productions with
host Opray Winfrey. Copies
available for $8.50 from Scared Silent,
Peace and Healing. Family Ministries Department. English,
Spanish or French. (Available in PAL format also).
Too Close to Home. Produced by Adventist Media Centre, South
Pacific Division,
*To order many of the videos listed, contact: Faith Trust Institute
(formerly Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence),
Websites
Community Resources
In many countries there are resources in the community to which pastors, leaders and those involved with domestic violence and abuse, can turn. Look for the “safe house” or “refuge” in your community. These establishments are anxious to help people to learn about the issues surrounding abuse. They are usually listed in your phone book. Make yourself familiar with what is available in your community. Talk to your Town Council and make sure your church has a list of locally available resources.
The PATHS website has connections to World websites and addresses surrounding the issues of domestic violence and abuse. See www.hotpeachpages.org and click on World/world.htm.
Websites
American women living overseas – www.awoscentral.com
Australian Domestic & Family Violence Clearing House – www.austdvclearinghouse.unsw.edu.au
British Columbia Institute Against Violence
Centre for Children & Families in the Justice System of the London Family Court Clinic – www.lfcc.on.ca
Canadian National Clearinghouse on Family Violence –
www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hppb/familyviolence
Faith Trust Institute – Centre for the Prevention of Sexual Abuse and Domestic Violence – http://www.cpsdv.org/
Men on the Elimination of Violence Against Women
www.comminit.com/pdskdv62002/sld-4931.html
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
National Organization of Battered Women’s Shelters – in Swedish
Northern Ireland Women’s Aid Federation
Pacific Women Against Violence & Fiji Women’s Crisis Centre
Selbsthilfe
– Missbrauch (Site
is in German)
The
www.comminit.com/pdskdv92003/sld-8643.html
Women Against Violence
Women’s Ministries, General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. www.wm.gc.adventist.org
Women’s Aid Federation of
England (
Women’s Resource Information/Support Centre -
Useful Articles on Websites:
Fight Against
the Fist. A series of Radio Shows from ABC
http://www.comminit.com/Materials/sld-5470.html
Picturing a Life Free of Violence: Media & Communications Strategies to End Violence Against Women – showcases a variety of strategies and materials used around the world to end violence against women.
http://www.comminit.com/Materials/sld-4425.html
“Responding to Rape, Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.” These scenarios are designed to educate everyone in responding to rape, domestic violence and child abuse.
http://www.globalhealth.org/sources/view.php3?id=420&type=newsletter
Seventh-day
Adventist
Statement on
Family Violence
Family violence involves an assault of any kind—verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, or active or passive neglect—that is committed by one person or persons against another within a family, whether they are married, related, living together or apart, or divorced. Current international research indicates that family violence is a global problem. It occurs between individuals of all ages and nationalities, at all socioeconomic levels, and in families from all types of religious and non-religious backgrounds. The overall rate of incidence has been found to be similar for urban, suburban, and rural communities.