Sermon:
A New Design for Relational
Power
by Karen and Ron Flowers
Enjoying the Ride, Until
. . .
When I (Ron) was a fourth grader,
the old wooden see-saw on our school playground broke. I told my dad about it.
One Sunday not long after, this farmer/builder father of mine motioned to me to
come along as he loaded some lumber and tools on his farm truck and drove down
the road to our one-room country school. There he removed the remnants of the
rotted seesaw, our “teeter-totter” as we called it, and installed a new one.
When Monday came, I was first at school, proudly presenting to each student who
arrived the shiny new teeter-totter, freshly painted with leftover red barn
paint.
Everybody wanted a turn on it. For a
while things went well with friends riding on opposite ends, balancing one
another, gliding up and down. Then something changed. Boys riding opposite
girls started to dangle them in the air. The playground was filled with their
squeals to get off while most of us fourth grade boys (sad to say now) were
delighted at the sight. Then, one recess, I was riding on the seesaw when some really
heavy fifth-grade boys pushed my friend off the other end and got on instead.
Instantly I was jerked into the air and bounced there. It was scary. “Do you
want down?” they jeered after a while. “Okay, you’re down!” And with that they
hopped off. I crashed! Though bruised, I somehow avoided broken bones. I
avoided the see-saw for a long time. That toy of which I was once so proud,
that toy so capable of bringing much joy, had become a place of pain.
Relational “seesaws.” Close relationships resemble a see-saw. Each of us brings a
certain “weight” or “power” to our relationships. The way we use our weight
affects our experience and our partner’s experience. Just as a teeter-totter
feels most satisfying when we achieve a sense of balance and a pleasant rhythm,
so everybody experiences the most satisfaction in relationships when there is
goodwill, unconditional acceptance and warm regard for each other. The apostle
Paul made an interesting statement that describes the attitude necessary on a
relational see-saw: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:4 NIV).
In this delicately-worded verse the
apostle places “your own interests” on one end of a relationship see-saw and
“the interests of others” on the other. Both are to receive appropriate
attention. The “but also” in the middle acts like a fulcrum that helps balance
the two. Just as we are to love our neighbors as ourselves (cf. Matt. 22:39) so it is appropriate that
each “should look not only to [his] own interests, but also to the interests of
others.” Philippians 2:4 thus insures that the concept “consider others better
than yourselves” of verse 3 does not mean the neglect of one’s own vital
interests. When this gospel principle of harmony is not followed, where mutual
goodwill, acceptance and respect are not present, relationships may be
unsatisfying at best and, at worst, painful, perhaps even terrifying.
Relationships Out of
Balance
Selfishness causes a relational
see-saw to lose its balance. If we are self-absorbed, we are often insensitive
to the needs and feelings of others. If we don’t feel very valuable or secure,
we may try to build ourselves up by putting others down. We give our partner a
bumpy ride. Selfishness manifests itself in a variety of ways.
Dominance.
Some people are dominant types and seek relationships with those who are more
submissive.
Pursuit of social status. Some seek to acquire the social weight that society often
ascribes to those who have certain attributes. The wealthy enjoy greater status
than the poor, the employed receive more respect that those who do not have
jobs. Educated people are considered more valuable than the uneducated; the
physically attractive are paraded above those deemed less attractive. The talented
are sought after and rewarded more than the untalented. And in many parts o the
world the male is more valued than is the female.
Aggressiveness and abuse. Some who are thinking about their own ride on the see-saw,
who are self-absorbed and insensitive to the needs and feelings of others, tend
to be more aggressive toward others. Abuse is about using one’s real or
perceived power to control another person. It is about choosing to get what I
want at the expense of others.
See-Saw Struggle
Attempts to cope. Because their families are so important to people, some who are weaker
will do their best to adjust, just to keep the family together, just to avoid
conflict, just to achieve family stability and balance. Some will even
sacrifice themselves and accept abuse, though family relationships are then a
source of much unhappiness and pain.
God does not require a person who is
being abused in a relationship to stay in that relationship and bear that pain.
But those who work with victims of abuse know that many have a very hard time
escaping the ties that bind them to their abusers.
While some submit to achieve
balance, others resist. They may opt for unhealthy ways to exert themselves in
order to right a power imbalance in their relational “see-saw,” to keep from
being constantly “dangled in the air.”
How not to ride a see-saw: Isaac & Rebekah. Struggle on the relationship
see-saw is illustrated by the household of Isaac and Rebekah (Gen. 27). Father
Isaac pulled first-born twin son Esau onto his end of the marital see-saw.
Isaac favored Esau and schemed to bestow the birthright upon him, despite God’s
instruction and with no consultation with his wife. Isaac rationalized that he
had custom on his side and employed the excuse that he had to take action immediately
because he was old and feeble, when in fact he had many more years of life in
him.
Mother Rebekah countered by dragging
second-born twin son Jacob, her favorite, with her onto her side. Taking full
advantage of her husband’s failing eyesight and her intimate knowledge of his
tastes and habits, Rebekah sought to gain power for herself in the relationship
and to promote the interests of Jacob, the son she loved. She determined that
Jacob must receive the birthright blessing. Besides, hadn’t God foretold that
the elder (Esau) would serve the younger (Jacob) (cf. Gen. 25:33)?
Both Isaac and Rebekah plotted to
secure the greater power on their side and deliberately involved the twin
brothers in their conflict. However, as is often the case, rather than
achieving balance on the relational see-saw, conflict and pain were the
inevitable result. The latent marital conflict was enflamed and the fire spread
to engulf the sons. As a mother, Rebekah would never again see the son she
loved, for he fled to Haran
to escape Esau’s wrath. She died before he returned. The two brothers were thus
pitted against one another for two decades. For his part, Isaac lost a
one-in-a-million opportunity to willfully bestow his blessing on the son of
promise who would take his place in the covenant line that would lead to the
birth of the Messiah.
Horns and roses. Those who feel weaker in a relationship often spend a lot of energy
trying to achieve relief from the dominating, controlling people in their
families or relationships. It is as though some ancient script is being played
out, reminding us that God created humankind to be equal with each other.
Because of human brokenness and sin, however, we seldom are content with
equality. We tend to go for “one-up” status, scheming, plotting, and working
our way toward superiority over others.
Doug was a dominating husband and
father and ordered his family about as if he were a military commander. His
wife, Matilda, had her own way of dealing with him. One day, for example, he
was in a particular rush for them to go someplace in the car. He went out to
the garage, started the engine, and backed the car out onto the driveway. It
was his way of demanding that she hurry.
When Matilda didn’t come, he blew
several long blasts on the horn. She heard the horn, but instead of joining
him, detoured to the backyard and leisurely inspected her rose garden, plucking
a few weeds, sniffing the fragrance of a few of the emerging blossoms. She made
her way to the car in her own good time. (Flowers, 1997, p. 17)
The Gospel’s New
Design for Relationships
The good news of the gospel is that
Christ has drawn us into fellowship with Himself (Eph. 2:19, 20; 1 John 1:3). He has triumphed over
sin, paying its penalty (Rom. 3:25;
1 John 2:2) and breaking its power (Rom. 6:14;
8:3, 4, 9). Whereas sin causes division, discord, and a desire to assume
superiority over one another, we can now relate to one another in fundamentally
different ways, because through Him we are related (Matt.20:25-27; Gal. 3:28).
Though Christ and the apostles did
not assault society and culture directly, they presented ideas of equality and
mutuality in the family of God that would work a transformation from inside the
human heart outward. Think about the barriers they crossed.
Every ethnic group included. The narratives of Jesus and the centurion (Matt. 8:5ff),
Jesus and the Samaritan woman (John 4: 7ff), Peter and Cornelius (Acts 10:34,
35), as well as Paul’s mission to the Gentiles stand as witness: “How true it
is that God does not show favoritism, but accepts men from every nation who
fear him and do what is right” (Acts 10:34, 35).
Every social class included. Jesus and the disciples broke down the barriers between
social classes. Living examples of this are Jesus’ contact with all classes of
people, with the nobleman (John 4:46-50),
with Zacchaeus (Luke 19:2ff), and with the leper (Matt. 8:2-4). In Christ,
wrote Paul, there is no favoritism shown between social strata (Eph. 6:9).
A dramatic example of this inclusion
of all social groups is found in the shortest, but most profound letter of
Paul, the letter to Philemon. A convert of Paul, Philemon was a wealthy
resident of Colossae
and, like many such residents, a slaveholder. One slave, Onesimus, had
evidently robbed his master, escaped, and made his way to the sprawling capital
city of Rome,
perhaps hoping to lose himself amid the masses. There he encountered Paul. Paul
preached the gospel to him and came to accept him as a son (Philemon 10).
Onesimus was awakened to his responsibility to repent and make as much
restitution as he could to Philemon for the wrongs he had done.
As he went back to Philemon, he
carried with him a note of recommendation which Paul prepared. What we have in
our Bibles is that note. In it is found a radical Christian message: Receive
him “no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother . . . in
the Lord” (Philemon 16). Paul presents to Philemon a revolutionary concept of
reconciliation, that of finding in Onesimus a beloved brother. Because of
Jesus, believers see each other through new glasses, as it were, and love each
other as members of one family.
That “thing” is working here. For nearly three decades we were members of a church
congregation in Washington,
D.C., a truly unique fellowship
of believers. When we first joined the Capital Memorial
Seventh-day Adventist
Church, it was in a
process of change from being mostly all-Caucasian to becoming a multi-national
Christian family of some 45 nations. Over the years, CMC has responded to the
preaching of the good news of God’s love and has endeavored to live by 1 John
4:11: “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”
If the truth be told, the congregation didn’t especially like the same foods,
nor enjoy the same music. Members wrestled hard with one another on church
boards, but, with dedicated and persistent, Christ-centered pastoral
leadership, this diverse group became family.
A crowning moment came one Easter
season, when the church came together for a Friday evening agape meal and
communion service. Assembled around the table of fellowship, illumined with
candlelight, members bore testimony to their love for Christ and their love for
one another. One African brother, serving in the diplomatic corps from South Africa,
had been a member of the church since rediscovering Adventism at a prayer
breakfast held at CMC for diplomats and their Seventh-day Adventist world
leader counterparts at the time of an Annual Council. In the several years
since, this brother, so familiar with the policies and practices of apartheid,
had often marveled aloud that people from so many nations could worship, work,
play and pray together. With a face lit with a light greater than that of the
candles, Ezra stood and told a little of his story. We still remember the
joyful comment he made: “That thing they speak about—that the gospel brings
together red and yellow, black and white—it’s working here.”
Sexual equality for men and women. Jesus restored the sexual equality and nobility of
women. Writes John Stott:
Without any fuss or publicity, Jesus
terminated the curse of the Fall, reinvested woman with her partially lost
nobility, and reclaimed for his new kingdom community the original creation
blessing of sexual equality. (Stott, 1985, p. 136)
Women were among Jesus’ closest
disciples (Luke 8:2, 3). Paul recognized that in Christ old gender barriers
have been taken away: “There is neither . . . male nor female, for you are all
one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28).
The Book of Acts shows that women
believed and served in the church side by side with men. Acts revels in the
newfound status of all people in Christ. It does not elevate women above men,
but shows that an equal fellowship and equal use of giftedness existed in the
early church. “With the women” (Acts 1:14)
indicates their inclusion with a new status in the new order. Peter
acknowledges that the Spirit is being poured out on Christians without regard
to gender in fulfillment of the prophecy of Joel 2:28, 29 (Acts 2:16-18). Both
genders are especially mentioned as becoming baptized believers (Acts 5:14; 8:12). The apostolic evangelists made special efforts to
reach women (Acts 16:13;
17:4). A number of these early women converts are named as possessing qualities
of faith, loyalty, and service just as did men: Tabitha (Acts 9:36-42), the
Jewish mother of Timothy (Acts 16:1), Lydia (Acts 16:14, 15), Damaris (Acts
17:34), and Priscilla (Acts 18:2, 18, 26). Priscilla (actually named ahead of
her husband in vs. 18—which was significant in that time and culture—; cf. 2
Tim. 4:19) seems to be
singled out especially for her giftedness in biblical understanding,
evangelistic fervor and persuasion alongside Aquila.
Paul dwelt for some time with this couple and eventually took them with him as
evangelistic companions. Priscilla and Aquila
again head the list of those to be greeted for Paul by Timothy (2 Tim. 4:19).
Mutuality between husbands and wives. The curse subjected the wife to the husband (Gen.
3:16). The gospel emphasizes the love and the service of husband and wife to
one another (Eph. 5:21-33).
Like every other one of God's good
gifts entrusted to the keeping of humanity, marriage has been perverted by sin;
but it is the purpose of the gospel to restore its purity and beauty (Thoughts from the Mount of Blessing, p.
64).
The gospel restores marriage “to its
original sanctity and elevation” (The
Adventist Home, p. 99). Christians seek to recapture that original
mutuality known by the first husband and wife who shared the image of God,
shared the one name “adam”; shared dominion over the earth; and shared God’s
procreative blessing (Gen. 1:26-28). Peter instructs each husband to bestow
honor ("great value") on his wife, for the two of them are
"heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7). A text that
stresses how absolute Christ would have mutuality in marriage to be is found in
1 Cor. 7:3, 4:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise
the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also
to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him
alone but also to his wife.
Some Protestant reformers, who
taught the super-ordination of the husband and the subordination of the wife,
encountered difficulty with this passage. They concluded that, in the bedroom,
there could be full equality and mutuality, but that outside, the wife was to
be submissive. The gospel of Christ, however, does not limit marital mutuality
only to the couple’s sexual life.
I hid my salary from
my wife. An African
pastor shared this story:
“Don’t tell your wife the amount of
money you have,” my father whispered to me one evening as one of his counsels
to me. Traditionally, many African husbands do not tell their wives the amount
of money they possess. All the money, all the wealth belongs to the husband and
father as head of the family. It is his monopoly. He uses it as he wishes, he
squanders as he wants, and the wife just gets a little portion for clothing,
shoes, and food for her and the children. . . .
The reason for not telling the wife
the amount of money is just a matter of suspicion that she may constantly
demand more, or that she may steal some money and pass it to her parents,
relatives, and close friends. This suspicion is not well founded. It is just a
selfish motive, and it must be discarded.
Hiding my salary from my wife caused
a lot of problems and misunderstandings. She requested some money when I really
had nothing. Since she was not involved in financial arrangements or the home
budget, she did not know for sure when I had no money. So she made her demands.
We almost had a big fight one day.
The solution came to us one day when
one pastor preached at our campmeeting about the family or home budget which
must be made out by the two, husband and wife. The subject was strange and new
to me, but it came with deep meaning. The income must include the total of all
money from me and from my wife’s small financial projects. The expenses must
include the major four items:
• Tithe and offerings – God’s funds
• Food
• All other necessary life items
• Savings or fixed account for
future use
The pastor closes by saving: This
saved my home, for we all knew what we owned and what was to be expended. We
discarded the husband’s monopoly of funds. . . .
Mrs. White has counseled us: “Let
there be mutual love, mutual forbearance. Then marriage, instead of being the
end of love, will be as it were the very beginning of love” (The Adventist Home, p. 106).
This kind of mutuality ought to be
extended to financial planning of the budget. It will inspire trust and
confidence and happiness to family life. (Kisaka, 1992, p. 71)
How the Gospel
Redefines Power
Jesus redefined power both by His teaching and in His
relating to others. Matthew records the comments of Jesus when James and John
asked their mother to secure for them the top spots in His kingdom:
You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their
high officials exercise authority over them,” He said. “But it shall not be so
among you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your
servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of
Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom
for many.” (Matt. 20:25-28)
Empowerment.
The practical outworking of the acknowledgement of Christ as Lord for
Christians is that the sinful misuse of power is replaced by empowerment.
“Empowering can be defined as the
attempt to establish power in another person. . . . Empowering is the process
of helping the other recognize strengths and potentials within, as well as to
encourage and guide the development of these qualities” (Balswick &
Balswick, 1987, pp. 44, 45).
Instead of exerting “power over,” we
become “the wind beneath the wings” of those we love. This “power under”
approach to relationships means that our weight on the see-saw is used to lift
up those with whom we are in relationship, to build them up, to give them every
opportunity and encouragement to become all that they can be. Note these
“empowerment” verses from Paul:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Eph. 5:21).
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of
Christ (Gal. 6:2).
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to
mutual edification (Rom.
14:19).
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thess. 5:11).
This Christian “empowerment” principle for relationships
means that we are no longer thinking only about our ride on the see-saw, we
want our partner to get a good ride also. The principle applies in the church
and in the domestic relationships at home—the smallest church. Everything we
learn from Christ about relationships at church must go into our homes also.
Conclusion
The power of God is mighty to save
us and to change us. In Fulton’s
Footprints in Fiji Eric B. Hare tells of the conversion of Ratu Ambrose.
The cruel chief had squandered the lives of many of his faithful subjects while
pursuing his aggressive goals. Scarred and broken in body, one old fisherman,
Matui, had survived the torturous experience of being one of the human “logs,”
men bound with ropes and used as rollers upon which Ratu Ambrose had launched
his heavy war canoes.
Pastor John Fulton’s evangelistic
efforts brought both Ratu Ambrose and Matui into the same Seventh-day Adventist
church. God’s power to transform hearts and habits powerfully demonstrated
itself when the new believers celebrated their first Lord’s Supper and
footwashing service. Ratu Ambrose quickly took a towel and basin and knelt down
before Matui to wash his feet. The bent, elderly fisherman at first resisted.
“It is not right for you to wash my feet; you are a great chief.” As Ratu
Ambrose went on to bathe the feet of his former subject with tears filling his
eyes and his heart, he replied, “There is only one Chief here in this room
tonight, and that is Jesus.” (Flowers, 1992, pp. 85, 86)
May there be one Chief in all our
rooms—Jesus. May His empowering Spirit flood our lives, so that we learn what
it means to love, to serve, to exercise our power and influence in our
relationships in ways that demonstrate not “power over,” but “power under.”
References
Balswick, J., &
Balswick, J. (1987, Spring). A theological basis for family relationships. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 6
(3), 37-49.
Flowers, R. (1997, April
10). Sharing power: God’s new design for personal relationships. Adventist Review
18, 16-19.
Flowers, K. & R.
(1992). Love aflame. Hagerstown, MD:
Review & Herald Publishing Association.
Kisaka, J. A. (1992).
African traditional practices in family life: What to discard and what to
retain. In J. Sequeira & P. Habada (Eds.), Uphold that which is good: Papers from the Pan African consultation on
the family (p. 71). Department of Family Ministries, General Conference of
Seventh-day Adventists, 12501 Old Columbia Pike, Silver Spring, MD 20904.
Stott, J. (1985). Involvement: Social and sexual relationships
in the modern world. Old Tappan,
NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company.
White, E. G. (1952). The Adventist home. Hagerstown, MD:
Review & Herald Publishing Association.
White, E. G. (1955). Thoughts from the mount of blessing. Nampa, ID:
Pacific Press Publishing Association.
Reprinted from Flowers, K. & Flowers, R. (2004). Celebrate Marriage! Silver Spring, MD:
General Conference of Family Ministries, 16-22. Used by permission.
A Seminar on Nurturing
Non-Violent Children:
Great Peace for Children
by Bernie
and Karen Holford
Family and
Children’s Ministries Directors
South England Conference
Trans-European
Division
with Karen
and Ron Flowers
Important note. This program is not
intended to be therapeutic treatment for abusers or persons experiencing abuse
and violence in relationships. Nor is it specifically designed as treatment for
those who have experienced abuse in the past. Treatment in cases of abuse and
violence belongs in the hands of a network of professionals with appropriate
training and expertise. Spiritual leaders should identify such professionals in
the church and community about them and encourage and support individuals who
have special needs as they avail themselves of such services. Because the
seminar does open the issue of abuse and violence in relationships, it would be
wise to have a pastor or counselor present (someone who is not involved in
leading the seminar) in case the discussion brings up concerns for one or more
of the participants that call for personal attention.
Theme
This seminar is designed to help parents nurture children
for non-violence. It is built on the premise that the church can be a strong
support to parents in their responsibility to nurture children for healthy
relationships.
Key Bible Text
“And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great
shall be the peace of thy children” (Isaiah 54:13 KJV).
Purpose and Overview
Relationships in which persons demonstrate respect, love and
a willingness to listen to one another are much more likely to experience
peace-filled living and positive relationships and less likely to experience
aggression, outbursts of anger and wrath, and violent episodes. An
under-standing of the biblical principle of honoring one another provides a
foundational motivation for developing relational skills that can help God’s
children of all ages connect with one another in positive ways. This program
will help families—and the church family—explore useful ways of talking and
relating that show honor and support for each other, and that model non-violent
ways of living together, and meeting one another’s needs for our children.
The seminar incorporates multigenerational learning
experiences through which important people skills can be developed that will
help children grow toward relating to others in positive ways. The focus will
be on developing a more supportive communication style, becoming more caring
and compassionate in our responses to others, and learning to manage anger in
ways that contribute to positive relational growth. These skills are hallmarks
of non-violent relationships—in the family as well as in the church and
community.
How to Use This Seminar Resource
This resource is an idea bank of
interactive activities designed to bring together the entire congregation for a
multigenerational nurturing experience. The seminar resources are divided as follows:
Section A Personal or leadership-group preparation.
Section B An icebreaker to draw seminar
participants into interaction with one another.
Section C “Activity Idea Bank” - seminar
activities from which to pick and choose as interest, time, and facilities
allow.
Section D Closure
activity for the seminar.
Section A
Leadership Preparation
Sensitivity required. As we explore ways of helping
children to relate to others in non-violent ways, it is important to think
about our own attitudes, ideas, and beliefs about violence and the ideas of
those around us. An individual might decide they would rather not lead such a
seminar. There are a number of understandable reasons for this, and any request
to be excused should be honored—no questions asked.
Identify resources. As you open these issues in the
church, even among your leadership team, people should always be made aware of
resource persons in your community, i.e., a pastor, counselor, or others in the
helping professions, who can assist them in finding help if they or someone
they know are dealing with personal issues related to abuse and violence.
Devotional thought. Reflect on the Scripture: “All thy children shall be taught of the
LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children” (Isaiah 54:13 KJV).
The peace of the Christian gospel was brought to us,
delivered to us in Christ. That peace was personified in the person of Christ.
When Christ was born, God’s attitude toward earth became one of peace (Luke 2:14). “I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts
of peace, and not of evil . . . “(Jer. 29:11 KJV). Jesus was the One
prophesied to be the Prince of Peace (Isa. 9:6; cf. Eph. 2:14-17). His wish for His followers was for
His peace to be with them (John 14:27).
Why is it important for children to know this peace? In what
ways is it in our power to convey it to them? The prayer, “Lord, make me an
instrument of thy peace” is attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi. How can we be instruments of God’s
peace in our children’s lives? Let us dedicate ourselves and this seminar to
that purpose. [You may want to share
some of your devotional insights on peace as an introduction to the seminar
itself.]
Questions worth
thinking about. The
following questions are worth considering before leading a seminar on how to
nurture children in ways that will make them less likely to use violence
against others. Take time to reflect personally on these questions and discuss
your thoughts together with other group leaders.
• What concerns do you share as a
leader regarding violence in the family and in the community?
• What messages about violence are being conveyed by the
media in your context?
• In what ways does your society promote non-violent
relationships?
• In what ways might your society be inadvertently
encouraging people to resort to violence?
• What do you think the Bible teaches about violence? What
Scripture principles can you identify? Locate appropriate Bible texts and
passages.
• What do you perceive as the most significant benefits of
nurturing non-violent children?
• What might make nurturing non-violent children difficult
in your particular setting?
• What legitimate concerns might be raised about encouraging
children to respond non-violently in all situations?
Note: Sadly, children must be made aware
that some older youth and adults—even family members and people that they
know—cannot be trusted and may try to hurt them. Children must be taught that
it’s okay to say “No” forcefully and to resist adults who would harm them in
any way—such as through acts of violence, sexual abuse, etc. They need to know
how to report such action to an adult who can help them.
Section B
Icebreaker: Demolition
Squad or Construction Crew?
This icebreaker is designed to introduce the seminar by
contrasting the kinds of communication and actions that build people up and
strengthen relationships or with the kinds of communication and behaviors that
tear people down and are destructive to relationships.
Materials needed:
• Fifteen large boxes, identical in size. You may be able to
find these at a grocery store or shipping company.
• White paper for covering boxes as indicated.
• Felt-tip marker pens (one red and one blue) with thick
tips (the actual colors you use are not important, but using two different
colors will be helpful in doing the activity).
• Black marker pens with thick tips (you will need several,
depending on the size of the seminar group).
Set-up instructions:
Make the following preparations in advance of the seminar:
• Stack the boxes at the front of the room (as if they were
bricks or cement blocks) to form a large 5 x 3 “cube” or “wall” (5 boxes high x
3 boxes deep). You will end up with a front and a back sidewall, each made up
of the 15 boxes showing. Depending on the size of the boxes, and the size of
the group, you may wish to assemble the visual aid on a platform or table so
all can see.
• Cover those sides of the boxes that form the two large
front and back walls of the cube with white paper. You need to cover each outer
box face separately, as you will be taking the cube apart and putting it back
together.
• Number the boxes on one side face of the cube to help you
reassemble the cube as instructed for the activity.
• With the white paper in place, restack the boxes. Then, on
the front face of the cube, draw a simple outline of a person with the red
marker (see Leadership Resource 1, pg. 11 – Artwork
for Boxes).
• On the back side of the cube, draw a similar outline of a
person with the blue marker.
Icebreaker activity directions:
• At the start of the meeting, talk
about the effect of our words and actions on others. Some Bible texts
illustrate the point: “Reckless words
pierce like a sword . . . “ (Prov. 12:18).
“Death and life are in the power of the
tongue” (Prov. 18:1). Describe how the things we say and the things we do
can either build people up or tear them down, just as a construction crew can
build a wall or a building, or a demolition squad can bring one down.
• Invite seminar participants to offer ideas about the kinds
of words and behaviors that tear people down. Talk also about why such words
and actions are so destructive to persons and to relationships.
• Invite those who are contributing ideas to come forward
and write these hurtful words and actions on the boxes that have bits of the
red outline of a person on them. (Use the black felt tip markers.) This will
take a few minutes. Cover the outline of the person from head to toe with the
written words, phrases and descriptions of hurtful actions. You may have to add
ideas of your own if the group does not come up with important ones you wish to
highlight in the discussion.
• As the space around the red body outline showing on each
box is filled, slowly dismantle the outline of the person by removing box after
box from the cube, placing them around on the floor with the words and ideas
still visible to the group. You will end up with a “person” who has been taken
to pieces and left in disarray.
• Next, discuss with the group how
much better it is when words and actions encourage the people around us and
build them up. “The tongue of the wise
brings healing” (Prov. 12:18).
“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but
a kind word cheers him up” (Prov. 12:25).
Invite people to share the kinds of words and actions that have brought them
encouragement and made them happy to be in a particular relationship.
• As you talk, turn the boxes on the
floor around, so that the blue outline shows on them. Invite participants to
write their positive ideas on the sides of the boxes that have bits of the blue
outline. Start with the boxes that form the base of the cube (use the numbers
you placed on the sides of the boxes to help you). Then slowly put together the
blue outline of the person by stacking the boxes once again to create the cube
with the design in place, visually demonstrating how to build a person up.
• Leave the cube with the blue
“person” and all the constructive ideas for building people up visible at the
front throughout the program. Use it to help groups further develop their ideas
during other activities.
Section C
Activity Idea Bank
Activity 1
Relationships of Honor: Jesus and the Young, Lonely,
Weak and Vulnerable
Use this activity to discover how Jesus relates to people
and to learn how His responses can shape our own words and actions toward our
children.
Invite someone to read Romans 12:10: Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above
yourselves.
Small
group activity: Seeing people through God’s eyes of love and wonder can
help us respond to them—especially the young, lonely, weak and vulnerable—with
care and compassion. For this activity, divide participants into small groups
of 4-6 people. Assign each group one of the following Bible passages from the
Gospel of Luke. Instruct them to read it together and discuss the questions
below. When the groups are winding down, have the groups come back together
again; open discussion in the large group about each question, learning what
you can from each of the stories.
• Luke 7:36-50 Jesus and the woman who anointed
His feet
• Luke 8:40-48 Jesus
and the woman who was bleeding
• Luke 17:11-19 Jesus and the lepers
• Luke 18:15-17 Jesus
and the children
• Luke 19:1-10 Jesus and Zacchaeus
Questions to consider:
• How does Jesus respond to the main
character(s) in this story?
• How does Jesus practically demonstrate His compassion for
them and offer them His grace?
• What does Jesus do and say that conveys His honor and
respect for each individual?
• What do you think they appreciated most about Jesus’
response to them?
• How do you think this encounter
with Jesus transformed the way they thought about themselves? How did it
transform their relationship with Jesus? Their relationships with others?
• What practical ideas can we glean
from Jesus’ dealings with these and others to whom He ministered? How can His
words and actions guide our responses to our children and others to whom God
wants to communicate His love, honor, and respect through us?
Activity 2
Proverb Projects
Use this activity to help
participants to explore relational wisdom from the Book of Proverbs and then to
consider the benefits of this wisdom about compassion and caring for their own
relationships.
Materials needed:
• Copies of Proverb cards. See
Leadership Resource 2, pg. 12 – Proverb
Projects for 10 Proverb cards. (Cut the sheet into individual Proverb
cards. Each group of four participants will need one card.).
• Assorted craft supplies (large sheets of paper, colored
paper, clay, pipe cleaners, colored markers, cotton balls, yarn, etc.)
• Stick adhesives (glue, paste,
tape)
• Large sheets of sturdy poster
board
• Assorted newspapers and magazines
• Pieces of fabric, clothes and
other props for costuming
• Musical instruments as available (may be as simple as
makeshift rhythm sticks or clean combs with sheer paper to hum through, etc.)
• Individual sheets of writing paper and pens
Small
group activity:
• Divide the group into small groups of four (or by families
or whatever suits your setting). Keep the groups quite small, however, so
everyone can participate.
• Give each group one Proverb card.
• Allow groups 30 minutes together to develop a short drama,
role play, mime, song, poem, collage, poster or other visual aid, etc. that
illustrates the proverb they have been given and/or how it can be applied in
relationships today.
• Give each group opportunity to share their creation with
the large group.
• After each group has presented their selection, open up
discussion about what they learned about supportive communication,
compassionate caring, and relationships of honor from working on their Proverb
Projects.
Activity 3
What Do You Make of This Report?
Use this activity to reflect on the basic needs of children
and how improved efforts to understand and provide for them could powerfully
influence their behavior. Read or tell the following story, then reflect as a
seminar group on the question that is provided.
In Great
Britain there was a man whose job it was to
inspect the prisons and to make sure that the prisoners were treated well and
the staff members were happy. As the inspector sat in the office of a prison
director drinking a cup of coffee, he asked the administrator a question. “If I
could give you money for anything that would help you do your job better, what
would you spend it on?”
The director thought for a moment and then said, “Well, if I
lost all my staff here, but could keep one person, I’d keep the speech and
language therapist. So I guess I’d spend the money on more speech and language
therapists.”
The inspector was amazed! This was a surprise! He’d not
heard this from the other prison directors he’d visited.
“Why the speech and language therapist?” he asked
“Well, I’d say that 90% of the men in here have some kind of
language and communication problem, and I reckon that many of them wouldn’t
have resorted to crime and violence if they could have expressed themselves
more clearly, helped others to understand their needs, held down jobs and built
closer relationships with people.”
Question
for reflection:
• What might we do differently as parents, as a church
family, if we believed that improved communication could lead to less violence
in our homes and in society?
Activity 4
Reflections on a Poetry Classic: Children Learn What They Live
This activity highlights the beneficial outcomes of
relationships in which family members honor one another and communicate in
supportive ways. Use the poem to emphasize the importance of modeling the
behavior we desire to see in our children through our own words and actions.
Materials
needed:
• Copies of the poem for each seminar participant (See
Leadership Resource 3 – Children Learn
What They Live)
• Pencils for anyone who may not have a writing instrument.
Activity
directions:
• Read the poem aloud and invite
people to jot down on the back of their sheet the thoughts the poem brings to
mind as they reflect on the following questions:
▪
Can you remember a time as a child or as an adult, when you experienced a
moment in relationship with another that was uplifting and encouraging?
▪
Which line of the poem best describes your experience?
▪
What effect has this experience had on your life?
▪
How might this poem help us to relate in ways that promote health and
well-being in the lives of the children with whom we are in relationship?
▪
Where will you begin?
• Invite group members to share the
personal reflections they feel comfortable sharing with one other person.
• After 5-10 minutes of sharing in two’s, invite feedback in
the large group and summarize ideas on a flip chart.
• Sum up the ideas positively, looking at how the ideas can
help us to understand the effect of supportive communication, respectful
attitudes, compassionate caring, and “honoring” relationships on those with
whom we are in close relationship.
Activity 5
Becoming a Supportive Communicator
Use this activity to develop more supportive communication.
When we communicate with others we can choose to defend ourselves, our ideas,
our ways of doing things and our power in the relationship, or we can
communicate in ways that show respect for others and invite co-operation and a
sharing of ideas, hopes and feelings.
Materials needed:
• Two large posters to illustrate the difference between the
approach of a defensive communicator and that of a supportive communicator. Use
your creativity to make an attractive poster to convey your message as a
presenter about the tactics defensive communicators use and the more positive
approaches of a supportive communicator.
• Two easels or other means of
displaying your posters for all to see.
Activity instructions:
• Review the two styles of
communication in the large group.
• Defensive communicators use tactics like:
▪
Evaluation—judging the other person, blaming, using words like “you always” and
“you never.”
▪
Control—imposing one’s own ideas on others.
▪
Strategy—manipulating the situation and others to get one’s own way.
▪
Neutrality—showing a lack of care and concern for others.
▪
Superiority—using one’s knowledge or power in a relationship to influence
people to do things the way we want them done.
▪
Certainty—declaring ones own way the “right” or “better” way to do things.
• Supportive communicators use approaches like:
▪
Making requests—inviting the other person to share information and their
perspectives.
▪
Sharing problem ownership—considering the problem to be “ours” rather than the
other person’s problem.
▪
Spontaneity—being straightforward and honest, giving each person opportunity to
talk about what they would find helpful in the situation.
▪
Compassion—showing caring concern for the other person and their needs.
▪
Equality—placing oneself on an equal footing with the other person, remembering
that God shows no partiality.
▪
Experimentation—being willing to explore different alternatives for solving a
problem until one can be found that meets the needs of all involved.
Small
group activity:
• Invite group members to share in small groups, as they
feel comfortable:
▪
an experience when they have seen a defensive communicator in action.
▪
a time when they might have used a defensive communication style with their
children or another adult.
▪
a time when someone used this approach toward them.
• As participants reflect on these
experiences with defensive communicators, ask them to consider the following
questions:
▪
What was the effect of this experience on the person receiving the
communication?
▪
Do you think this was the response the communicator hoped to achieve?
▪
If you could rewind the tape and give the communicator another chance, how
would you use what you have learned about supportive communication to coach
them on a better approach? What would you like to see them do and say differently
to communicate more positively?
Activity 6
What Would You Do?
Use this activity with case studies
to discern non-violent ways to resolves situations that are highly charged with
emotion and conflict.
Materials
needed:
• The 5 drama scenarios below printed on sheets of paper,
providing at least one scenario per small group as needed. As an alternative,
you may wish to arrange ahead of time for young people to dramatize the
scenarios, improvising with their own dialogue, etc.
Scenario #1
Luke is fourteen. While he is washing the car with his dad,
he gets up his courage to mention that some of the guys are talking about their
girlfriends, making sexually explicit comments about their appearance and the
kinds of things they would like to do with them. Luke doesn’t like this talk,
but if he says anything the guys get angry and call him a prude. Now just being
with them has started to make his stomach churn, but they are the only friends
he has.
Scenario #2
Heather is twelve. Since she was much younger, Heather has
been the brunt of many cruel jokes and is often bullied by her classmates. She
is very distressed about the situation. Her older brother Danny feels sorry for
her and gets angry whenever she talks to him about it. He says that whenever she’s
ready, he’ll step in and give those bullies a beating.
Scenario #3
Ten-year-old Sarah has been playing with her little brother
Jonah. He has gotten hold of one of her dolls, and she is afraid he will break
it. When she tries to take it from him, he won’t let go. In desperation, she
pinches him hard to get him to let go. Jonah starts to scream and brings Mother
running from the other room.
Scenario #4
John is thirteen. As he is walking home from school after
band practice, a couple of older boys approach him and try to steal his
cell-phone. John resists, but he’s afraid he’s going to get hurt.
Scenario #5
The Smith family is together in the family room. On the
evening news there is a feature on the rising incidence of family violence in
their community. Mr. Smith grew up next door to a man who used to beat his wife
and children, but he has never talked with his family about the affect that
this experience had on him or the deliberate decision he made never to use
force or physical violence in his own home. The news item makes him wish he
could talk about the problem of abuse and family violence with his family, but
he’s not sure how.
Activity instructions:
• Read the scenario assigned to your small group or watch as
it is dramatized for you from the front (in which case all the groups will
discuss the same scenario simultaneously).
• Debrief on the scenarios in small groups and then recap in
the large group. Talk about how you can apply what you have learned to help the
main characters resolve the situations in which they find themselves in
non-violent ways.
Section D
Summing Up
• Give everyone a chance to
volunteer an “I learned . . .” statement for the seminar. Then give
participants time to share with one other person something they would like to do
differently or something they are more committed to doing than ever before
because they have been part of this seminar. To close, invite each two-some to
pray for one another and for each other’s families and their relationships in
the wider circle.
• You may wish to make copies of
Leadership Resource 4 -Growing
Non-Violent Children and distribute it as a handout to take home.
• After the seminar, you may wish to collate the ideas from
the cube, flip charts, and other discussion notes and use them to write a
report on the seminar for your church newsletter.
Sample outline of body
shape to be drawn on the boxes
Leadership
Resource 1 – Artwork for boxes
Proverb Projects Cards
|
Proverbs 10:12
Hatred starts fights,
but love pulls a quilt over the bickering.
Hatred stirreth up strifes:
but love covereth all sins.
|
Proverbs 11:16
A woman of gentle grace gets respect,
but men of rough violence grab for loot.
A gracious woman retaineth honor:
and strong men retain riches.
|
|
Proverbs 11:25
The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed;
those who help others are helped.
The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be
watered also himself.
|
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle response defuses anger,
but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.
A soft answer turneth away wrath:
but grievous words stir up anger.
|
|
Proverbs 16:24
Gracious speech is like clover honey - good taste to the soul,
quick energy for the body.
Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to
the bones.
|
Proverbs 16:32
Moderation is better than muscle,
self-control better
than political power.
He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth
his spirit than he that taketh a city.
|
|
Proverbs 22:11
God loves the pure-hearted
and well-spoken;
good leaders also delight
in their friendship.
He that loveth pureness of heart, for the grace of his lips the king
shall be his friend.
|
Proverbs 11:17
When you're kind to others,
you help yourself;
when you're cruel to others
you hurt yourself.
The merciful man doeth good to his own soul:
but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.
|
|
Proverbs 15:18
Hot tempers start fights;
a calm, cool spirit
keeps the peace.
The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord: but the
prayer of the upright is his delight.
|
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet
spiced with quarrels.
Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith,
than an house full of sacrifices with strife.
|
All verses
have been taken from The Message Bible
and The King James Version.
Leadership
Resource 2 – Proverb Projects
Children Learn What They Live
Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like
themselves.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with security, they
learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is
a nice place in which to live.
Excerpted
from the book CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
©1998 by
Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris
The poem
“Children Learn What They Live” © Dorothy Law Nolte
Used by
permission of Workman Publishing Co., New
York. All Rights Reserved
Leadership
Resource 3 – Children Learn What They
Live
Growing Non-violent
Children
The first place to start growing
non-violent children is in your own heart.
• Take time
every day to experience God’s love and peace in your heart. When you know His
love and peace personally, you are more able to pass them on to others.
• Think how
you can show God’s loving grace and compassion to everyone you meet each day,
including your children and other family members.
• Consider
each person a child of God, a crowning glory of His creation, and be filled
with wonder toward them.
Handle children with care.
• Always
deal with your children gently, compassionately, and with a loving firmness so
that they learn to deal with others this way.
•
Demonstrate the respect and honor you have for them in your words and actions.
• Speak
lovingly and respectfully to them as much as you can.
• Handle
issues of discipline with generous amounts of grace.
• Encourage
children to be gentle with people and property from an early age.
• Involve
them in compassionate acts of service for others.
• Teach them
how to treat pets and animals with care.
• Help them
understand the pain others feel when they are treated unkindly or physically
hurt by them.
• Let your
children know when you do and don’t feel honored and supported by them. Your
affirmation and gentle rebuke will encourage them to honor you and others in
relationships.
Be a good role model for your
children.
• Model
respect and compassion for others no matter who they are. Let your children see
that you respect and care for people regardless of position, wealth, or gender.
• Model
good management of your own emotions, and talk about how you manage powerful
emotions when you experience them.
• Teach
your children to identify their emotions and to find useful ways of expressing
themselves.
• Model an
open, respectful and loving marriage so that your children can see what a good
relationship looks like. Even if you are a single parent, your children can see
how well you treat friends, relatives and people you meet everyday.
• Model
equal power sharing in the home.
Talk about important issues.
• Use news
stories, TV shows, cartoons, music, whatever is in your children’s media, to
discuss violence in relationships. Talk together about what you are hearing and
seeing.
• Talk
about where to seek help when you are having difficulty respecting others and
relating in positive ways.
• Role-play
how to handle difficult circumstances.
• Develop
good communication skills.
• Listen to
your children and enable them to make a significant contribution to the ideas
in your family.
Leadership
Resource 4 – Growing Non-Violent Children
Reprinted
from Flowers, K. & Flowers, R. (2004). Celebrate
Marriage! Silver Spring,
MD: General Conference of Family
Ministries, 63-76. Used by permission.
Resources
MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
(Gleaned from a
variety of government and NGO web sites)
|
MYTH # 1:
|
Domestic violence is
a "loss of control"—an anger control issue
|
|
FACT:
|
Violent behavior is a choice—domestic violence has nothing
to do with anger. Anger is a tool abusers use to get what they want. We know
abusers are actually very much in control because they can stop when someone
knocks on the door or the phone rings. Thy often direct punches and kicks to
parts of the body where the bruises are less likely to show and they are not
abusing everyone who makes them “angry,” but wait until there are no
witnesses and then abuse the one he says he loves. Domestic violence is about
batterers using their control, not losing control. Their actions are very
deliberate.
|
|
MYTH # 2:
|
The victim is
responsible for the violence because she provokes it.
|
|
FACT:
|
No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused
regardless of what they say or do. Everyone has the right to live free of
violence. No one would want to have their partner be abusive. Women who find
that their second or third partner are abusers will often be blamed by others
for the violence —"it must be something about her" or she will
blame herself —"I always seem to pick abusers." In reality, the
abuser uses the tactic of charm early in the relationship to find out that
she was previously abused. He uses this information to blame her for the
violence —"see it must be something that you are doing wrong, or there
would not have been two of us" or to silence her - "you are not
going to tell anyone, because if you do they will never believe you because
you said that before.
|
|
MYTH # 3:
|
If the victim didn't
like it, she would leave.
|
|
FACT:
|
Victims do not like the abuse. They stay in the
relationship for many reasons, including fear. Most do eventually leave.
Victim provocation is no more common in domestic violence than in any other
crime. Battered women often make repeated attempts to leave violent
relationships, but are prevented from doing so by increased violence and
control tactics on the part of the abuser. Other factors which inhibit a
victim's ability to leave include economic dependence, few viable options for
housing and support, unhelpful responses from the criminal justice system or
other agencies, social isolation, cultural or religious constraints, a
commitment to the abuser and the relationship and fear of further violence.
It has been estimated that the danger to a victim increases by 70% when she
attempts to leave, as the abuser escalates his use of violence when he begins
to lose control.
|
|
MYTH # 4”
|
Domestic violence
only occurs in a small percentage of relationships.
|
|
FACT:
|
Estimates report that domestic violence occurs in ¼ to
⅓ of all intimate relationships. This applies to heterosexual as well
as same-sex relationships.
|
|
MYTH # 5:
|
Middle and upper
class women do not get battered as frequently as poor women.
|
|
FACT:
|
Domestic violence occurs in all socio-economical
levels. Because women with
money usually have more access to resources, poorer women tend to utilize community agencies, and are
therefore more visible.
|
|
MYTH # 6:
|
Batterers are
violent in all their relationships.
|
|
FACT:
|
Batterers choose to be violent toward their partners in
ways they would never consider treating other people.
|
|
MYTH # 7:
|
Alcohol/Drugs cause
battering behavior.
|
|
FACT:
|
Many batterers don’t drink or use drugs at all. Although
many abusive partners also abuse alcohol and/or drugs, this is not the underlying
cause of the battering. Many batterers use alcohol/drugs as an excuse to
explain their violence.
|
|
MYTH # 8:
|
Once a battered
woman, always a battered woman.
|
|
FACT:
|
While some battered women have been in more than one
abusive relationship, women who receive domestic violence services are the
least likely to enter another abusive relationship.
|
|
MYTH # 9:
|
It’s easy to just
pack up and leave an abusive relationship.
|
|
FACT:
|
This is not true. The batterer tends to isolate their
partner from money, obtaining a job, family, and friends. The difficulty of
paying for childcare and living expenses make it almost impossible to just
pack up and leave.
|
|
MYTH # 10:
|
Women are the only
victims of domestic violence.
|
|
FACT:
|
Men are also victims of domestic violence, but many are
embarrassed to report the abuse. A well-publicized study conducted by Dr.
Murray Strauss at the University
of New Hampshire found
that women use violent means to resolve conflict in relationships as often as
men. However, the study also concluded that when the context and consequences
of an assault are measured, the majority of victims are women. The U.S.
Department of Justice has found that 95% of the victims of spouse abuse are
female. Men can be victims, but it is rare.
|
|
MYTH # 11:
|
Children in domestic
violence households tend to grow up to be victims or abusers.
|
|
FACT:
|
This is unfortunately true. Even though children appear to
be asleep or don’t talk about what they hear or see, they are affected.
Children mimic what the adults in their lives do, and the cycle of violence
continues.
|
|
MYTH # 12:
|
Batterers are always
mean and vicious people.
|
|
FACT:
|
Not true. Some of the nicest people you know are
batterers, and they come from all social and economic classes. 90% of
batterers don’t have a criminal history.
|
|
MYTH # 13:
|
The abuse will
eventually stop.
|
|
FACT:
|
Without professional help for the batterer the abuse will not stop. The
abuse usually becomes more frequent and more violent, sometimes resulting in
death.
|
|
MYTH # 14:
|
The cycle of violence is broken when
the relationship ends.
|
|
FACT:
|
The most dangerous time for a victim can be when they leave without a
safety plan. Without intervention, batterers will continue to abuse.
|
|
MYTH # 15:
|
Domestic violence is usually a one
time, isolated occurrence.
|
|
FACT:
|
Battering is a pattern of coercion and control that one person exerts over
another. Battering is not just one physical attack. It includes the repeated
use of a number of tactics, including intimidation, threats, economic
deprivation, isolation and psychological and sexual abuse. Physical violence
is just one of these tactics. The various forms of abuse utilized by
batterers help to maintain power and control over their spouses and partners.
|
|
MYTH # 16
|
Men who batter are often good fathers and should have joint custody of
their children if the couple separates.
|
|
FACT:
|
Studies have found that men who batter their wives also abuse their
children in 70% of cases. Even when children are not directly abused, they
suffer as a result of witnessing one parent assault another. Batterers often
display an increased interest in their children at the time of separation, as
a means of maintaining contact with, and thus control over, their partners.
|
|
MYTH # 17
|
When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are
participating in the dynamic, and therefore, all must change for the violence
to stop.
|
|
FACT:
|
Only the batterer has the ability to stop the violence. Battering is a
behavioral choice for which the batterer must be held accountable. Many
battered women make numerous attempts to change their behavior in the hope
that this will stop the abuse. This does not work. Changes in family members’
behavior will not cause the batterer to be non-violent.
|
|
MYTH # 18:
|
Abusers and/or victims have low
self-esteem.
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FACT:
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Abusers do not have low self-esteem. They believe they are
entitled to have power and control over their partner. Abusers will pretend
to have low-self esteem, if it will make others believe the violence is not
their fault. Survivors of abuse may have had great self-esteem at the
beginning of the relationship, but the abuser uses emotional abuse: calling
her names, putting her down, telling her it is all her fault, in order to
destroy her self-esteem. Some abusers look for women with low self-esteem, as
they believe she will be more likely to blame herself and less likely to
report his behavior. Other abusers will seek women with high self-esteem, as
they may represent a greater challenge to control over time.
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Women's Rights / VIOLENCE
From:
http://www.newint.org/issue373/silence.htm
Women are still being beaten and killed by their
husbands and partners, but they are finding ways
to fight back. Nikki van der Gaag reports.
Rania al Baz’s
husband was angry because he came in and found her on the telephone. It was
not the first time he had beaten her, but this time when she begged him not
to hit her, his reply was: ‘Hit you? I’m not going to hit you, I am going to
kill you.’
He then repeatedly
smashed her face against the marble floor and walls of their home and tried
to strangle her. He left her unconscious for a couple of hours while he
showered and changed then bundled her up in a sheet and put her in the family
van.
‘When my daughter
regained consciousness,’ related Rania’s mother, ‘she found herself in the
van and she thought he was taking her to Obhur to bury her. When he heard her
moaning and trying to speak, he must have panicked because he pulled into Bugshan Hospital.’
According to
security at the hospital, he dumped the injured Rania at the emergency room
entrance, telling nurses and staff that she was the victim of a car accident
and was dead. He then left quickly saying he was going to bring other victims
of the accident.
Rania al Baz is one
of Saudi Arabia’s
few women TV presenters. She was well known for her chatty, magazine-style
show The Kingdom this morning. As a result of the
assault, her face was fractured in 13 places.
Rania was not alone
in suffering in this way though she was unusual in that she spoke out about
her injuries. The statistics on such violence – often disparagingly called
‘domestic’, are astounding. It crosses all boundaries of race and class. In Europe, it is the major cause of ill-health for women
between 16 and 44 – more common than cancer or traffic accidents. In the US,
a woman is beaten every 18 minutes. In Peru,
70 per cent of all crimes reported to the police involve women beaten by
their husbands.1 In Russia, one woman in five is regularly beaten
by her partner.2 In India and Bangladesh, women are killed or
burned with acid for not bringing enough dowry into their husband’s family
when they marry.
 There have been major changes to laws on domestic
violence over the past 10 years, prompted by activists and women like Rania
who have run campaigns and lobbied international organizations and
governments. In 1991, women’s groups around the world launched an annual
campaign of 16 days of activism against gender violence; 25 November is now
International Day Against Violence Against Women. In 1994, the Declaration on
the Elimination of Violence Against Women asserted that the law should
protect women from violence in both public and private spheres. And in the
same year the Organization of American States adopted the Belém do Pará
Convention, which sets out actions that governments must take to eliminate
violence against women.
Organizations
campaigning against gender-based violence are increasingly using all the
tools at their disposal. In Rajasthan,
India, when
members of the Bal Rashmi Society – which actively opposes sexual
exploitation, rape, dowry-related deaths and torture – were jailed, an
internet alert led to the suspension of their trials. BaBe, a strategic
lobbying group in Croatia,
has used the internet to raise awareness of women’s experience of violence
during war, and to bring about a new family law that includes restraining
orders against men in domestic rape cases. Women Living Under Muslim Laws has
mounted a web campaign around the denial of women’s rights in Islamic
societies. WomenNet in South Africa
used the Internet for a ‘Stop Rape’ campaign supported by international
signatories.
At national level,
many countries have enacted specific domestic violence legislation and taken
other action – the first shelters for battered women were opened in Russia in 1994, in Mongolia
in 1995 and in China
in 1996.3
But still only 45
countries have legislation protecting women against domestic violence and
many of these laws are not regularly enforced. The scale and pattern of the
violence seems to have changed very little in the past decade – and there are
places where it has increased. Where political tensions lead to conflict and
violence outside the home, or where men feel disempowered because they have
lost their jobs and their hope for the future, they often take it out on the
nearest person available – their wives, girlfriends and partners. In some
countries, this violence has taken on a new edge as reactions against what is
seen as the West’s sexual ‘permissiveness’ has meant that women have
increasingly been viewed as the vessels in which culture is stored. They are
abused and attacked if they seem to step outside cultural boundaries.
One extreme example
of this is the increase in what have euphemistically been called ‘honour
killings’ (see Keynote p11). In 2003 in Pakistan, such killings were
reported to have increased by 50 per cent.4 There have been
numerous examples in Western countries as well, where conflict between older
and younger generations is thrown into sharp relief and fathers kill their
daughters rather than see them in a relationship with someone from another
ethnic or religious group. The Muslim Women’s League notes that: ‘Confronting
the problem of “honour killings” and other crimes that disproportionately
affect women requires a change in attitude that pervades all levels of
society where such attacks occur.’ 5
Why
don’t women leave?
People sometimes put the blame on the woman – why did she put up with years
of abuse? Why didn’t she leave him? There are many answers to such questions,
but one fact is that leaving actually increases the risk of violence.
Professor Ruth Busch of Waikato
University in New
Zealand/Aotearoa notes: ‘The most dangerous time for women is that first 18
months after separation. In the US, for instance, 80 per cent of
women who turn up in accident and emergency rooms because of physical
injuries have been assaulted by estranged partners. In New Zealand, 40 per cent of women
who are killed die on contact changeover times.’ 6
And by putting the
blame on the woman, society legitimizes the violence. Busch again: ‘If a man
gets fired and goes home and kicks his partner – what is the outcome? If he
had walked into his boss’s office and done the same to his boss, would the
consequence have been counselling?’
In some countries,
women simply have nowhere to go. ‘If a woman is beaten by her husband and
goes back to her parents for help, they are quite likely to send her back to
her husband,’ says Fatou Gibba, from the Gambia. ‘And if you take your
husband to the police it will tarnish the image of the whole family. It is
just not done.’
Her words ring true
in other countries as well: women have been taught that they have to put up
with whatever their husband does to them. Surveys have shown high percentages
of women who think it is acceptable for a husband to beat his wife ‘for one
or more specific reasons – burning food, arguing with him, going out without
telling him, neglecting the children, refusing sex’. In Uganda 77 per cent of women surveyed believed
this, in Turkmenistan 52
per cent, in Haiti
40 per cent and 29 per cent in Nepal.3
Society condones
silence. And often the police take the side of the husband or even abuse the
woman again. Academic Yolisa Dalamba from South Africa notes: ‘It is…
common knowledge that often when women report a rape to the police, they are
raped again by those who are supposed to investigate. Case files go missing
and women complainants are harassed and are subjected to more violence.’7
Victims of domestic
violence are often afraid of retaliation, or are trying to protect their
children; or they have no other means of financial support than the
perpetrator, or nowhere to go. By leaving, they may lose the support of
relatives and will lose their networks, their jobs and their home. Even then,
they cannot be sure that the husband or boyfriend or partner who has been
abusing them will be brought to justice – and they have mixed feelings about
that as well. No wonder it is so difficult for women to escape.
What
can make a difference?
If international and national legislation still does not stop the violence,
what can make a difference? Dorian Solis Corrion, Vice-Mayor of the City of
Cuenca, Ecuador, says: ‘Laws by themselves are not enough, what is needed is
a comprehensive programme to prevent and deal with the legal, psychological
and health issues attached to violence.’ 8
First, society as a
whole must begin to view the issue not as the silent, hushed-up problem of
the past but as a serious situation affecting women’s health. A study in
Sweden notes that: ‘a preventative and proactive approach needs to be taken’
which involves not only the judicial system and the police but also medical
and social services, who need to ‘look at victims in a holistic and
comprehensive manner’.9 And all parties must ‘give these women
adequate medical, psychological, and social support’.
Second, women must
be listened to. There has been a global burgeoning of women’s organizations
campaigning against violence. For example, the Women’s Support Centre in San
Cristóbal de las Casas, in the Chiapas highlands of Mexico, which provides
training and support for women living in extreme poverty and uncertainty, and
seeks particularly to change traditions that condone wife abuse, domestic
violence and incest. Or Isis – Women’s International Cross Cultural Exchange
– in Uganda, which
supports survivors of sexual violence in Burundi,
Rwanda, Sudan and Uganda through an exchange
programme in which women share their experiences.
Finally, because men
are generally the perpetrators, they need to change their attitudes.
‘Educating boys and men to view women as valuable partners in life, in the
development of a society and in the attainment of peace are just as important
as taking legal steps to protect women’s human rights,’ says the UN.1
There are now a number of groups of men around the world that are working
specifically on this issue. In Ecuador the most popular soccer
teams came together to call for an end to violence against women. In Uganda
the Girls’ Education Movement (GEM) has involved boys in addressing girls’
security and safety issues during the commute to and from school and at
school.10 The White Ribbon campaign, where men wear a ribbon to
show their opposition to violence against women, has taken off around the
world. It is used by schools in Ethiopia. In 2002, 150,000 White
Ribbon people marched to protest violence against women in Siberia.
The Campaign has inspired the first men’s groups opposing violence against women
in China.11
Many of the women
who have been beaten have shown the way forward by speaking out about their
abuse. Rania al Baz said she made the decision because: ‘I want to use what
happened to me to draw attention to the plight of abused women in Saudi Arabia.’
Her husband is now being prosecuted.
‘Violence against
women is perhaps the most shameful human rights violation,’ said UN
Secretary-General Kofi Annan. ‘And it is perhaps the most pervasive. It knows
no boundaries of geography, culture, or wealth. As long as it continues, we
cannot claim to be making real progress towards equality, development and
peace.’
1 UN Department of Public Information, February 1996;
2 www.femnet.org;
3 The Atlas of Women: an economic,
social and political survey, Joni Seager, The Women’s Press, London,
2003;
4 www.dawn.com/weekly/cowas/20030309.htm;
5 www.mwlusa.org/publications/positionpapers/hk.html;
6 Amnesty magazine, May/June 2004,
Issue 125;
7 www.sdnp.undp.org/ww/women-rights/msg00011.html;
8 www.unifem.org;
9 www.sweden.se;
10 UNICEF Uganda, ‘GEM Best Practice’, UNICEF Intranet,
Gender and Development section, May 2002;
11 www.whiteribbon.ca
|
New Internationalist
373
November
2004
The Zimbabwe Independent
Putting Gender Violence in
the Public Domain
December
31, 1998
Harare
– Gender violence is endemic in all communities and countries around the world.
It is a phenomenon which cuts across class, race, age, and religion. Violence
can be experienced in many different forms: it may be physical, sexual,
economic, social or cultural abuse, but commonly it is a combination of these
The result is that many women in Zimbabwe, both inside and outside
their homes, live in constant fear of being harassed, assaulted or killed.
Violence against women is used by private and public sectors to deny the right
to health, well-being and bodily integrity. It is also used to deny women’s
freedom of expression, freedom of association and participation in a broad
range of activities including employment and property ownership. Women’s
social-economic status frequently is adversely affected by violence in their
lives.
The Declaration on the Elimination Of All Forms Of Violence
Against Women was adopted by the United Nations in December 1993. Zimbabwe
has ratified this convention. The declaration calls on all governments to
condemn violence against women and not to invoke any custom, tradition or
religious consideration to avoid their obligations with respect to eliminating
violence against women in the public and private spheres.
Traditionally, the home has been idealized as a place of
safety and security. The relationships between members of the family are
idealized as respectful and supportive. The reality is quite different. Recent
surveys and studies suggest that far from being a place of safety the family
can be a “cradle of violence”.
Every year, for 16 days throughout the world, NGOs get
together and educate the general public on violence against women and related
issues. The 1997/1998 theme for the 16 days of activism against gender violence
was “someone you know” because in one way or another we have all been affected
by this social menace.
What is needed is the “education” of the girl children that
they matter and that they have a life of their own which may or may not include
family obligations. They have the right to a career and they have a choice of
where to set up home.
It is true to a certain extent that most of us do not feel
that we are victims of gender violence because the term itself brings to mind
rape, battering, incest, sexual harassment or pornography.
But gender violence comes in different forms. Article 2 of
the Convention On The Declaration On The Elimination Of Violence Against Women
identifies three areas where violence takes place:
- Physical,
sexual and psychological violence that occur in the family, including
battering; sexual abuse of female children in the household; dowry-related
violence; marital rape; female genital mutilation and other traditional
practices harmful to women; non-spousal violence; and violence related to
exploitation;
- Physical,
sexual and psychological violence that occurs within the general
community, including rape and sexual abuse; sexual harassment and
intimidation at work, in education institutions and elsewhere; trafficking
in women; and forced prostitution; and,
- Physical,
sexual and psychological violence perpetrated or condoned by the state,
wherever it occurs.
Debates have been held, the issues on gender violence have
been discussed and attempts have been make to come up with solutions. The
common thing about these for a is that the discussions concentrate on physical
and sexual violence that occurs in the family and in the community.
Psychological violence is rarely tackled. Perhaps this is because the majority
of the people are victims or perpetrators of this type of violence.
Before getting married, Sibusisiwe, a graduate teacher, had
been promoted to be deputy head at a school in Bulawayo. She took the job for a period of
one year upon which she got married. Her husband, also a teacher, lived in
Mutare.
It was taken for granted that Sibusisiwe would move to
Mutare, thereby giving up her job as deputy head, where she would have to
content herself being a class teacher. Sibusiswe is not alone in such a
situation. She is a victim of psychological gender violence that most women are
subjected to. Where a couple will live, how they will spend their combined
income, how many children they will have are important decisions that must form
part of the decision-making process before marriage.
In other societies prenuptial agreements are the norm. Maybe
a modification of these is advisable in our context. Joint decisions must not
end with marriage, in face they must continue “until death do us part”. Society
must therefore create an environment that encourages decision making within the
home.
The roots of violence against women lie in the gender-based
inequalities in our society. Such inequalities persist through socialization.
Right from birth a girl child is perceived differently from a boy child. The
boy is seen as a potential contributor to the family income.
All his future earnings will be ploughed back into the
family. On the other hand a girl child will grow up and get married – she is a
commodity. She will contribute only one sum into the family in the form of the
lobola paid by her husband. For this reason the girl child is afforded only the
few resources that will enable her to be marriageable.
As the girl grows, she is under pressure from the family and
the community at large to get married and to believe that if she does not marry
then she will be perceived as a failure and a social misfit. This in itself is
a form of violence.
The socialization process prunes the girl’s ability to make
decisions for herself regarding her education and career path. “If you are too
educated, who will marry you? If you become a truck driver, carpenter, or
doctor, who will marry you? Don’t you know that men fear educated women?
They payment of lobola traditionally gives the man the right
over the women’s reproductive and productive roles. Therefore on marrying, the
woman again finds herself in a situation where she cannot make independent
decisions that are crucial to her well-being.
This is confirmed by general beliefs that are prevalent in
the Zimbabwean society that women should be disciplined in the same manner as
children. Women need a “slap” here and there to keep them on the right track or
else they get above themselves.
Musasa Project, an NGO set up in 1988 to deal with the
problem of violence against women, received the following message on their
answering machine: “Who do you think you are, you people? She’s my wife and I
can hit her if I want to. I paid for her, I can do what I want with her.”
While we still have this mentality prevailing throughout our
society we cannot afford to turn a blind eye. Violence against women is one of
the key social mechanisms that force women into a subordinate position to men.
Seventh-day Adventist Statement on Family Violence
Family violence involves an assault of any kind—verbal,
physical, emotional, sexual, or active or passive neglect—that is committed by
one person or persons against another within a family, whether they are
married, related, living together or apart, or divorced. Current international research indicates that
family violence is a global problem. It
occurs between individuals of all ages and nationalities, at all socioeconomic
levels, and in families from all types of religious and non-religious
backgrounds. The overall rate of
incidence has been found to be similar for urban, suburban, and rural communities.
Family violence manifests itself in a number of ways. For example, it may be a physical attack on
one’s spouse. Emotional assaults such as
verbal threats, episodes of rage, deprecation of character, and unrealistic
demands for perfection are also abuse.
It may take the form of physical coercion and violence within the
marital sexual relationship, or the threat of violence through the use of
intimidating verbal or nonverbal behavior.
It includes behavior such as incest and the mistreatment or neglect of
underage children by a parent or another guardian that results in injury or
harm. Violence against the elderly may
be seen in physical, psychological, sexual, verbal, material, and medical abuse
or neglect.
The Bible clearly indicates that the distinguishing mark of
Christian believers is the quality of their human relationships in the church
and in the family. It is in the spirit
of Christ to love and accept, to seek to affirm and build others up, rather
than to abuse or tear one another down.
There is no room among Christ’s followers for tyrannical control and the
abuse of power or authority. Motivated
by their love for Christ, His disciples are called to show respect and concern
for the welfare of others, to accept males and females as equals, and to
acknowledge that every person has a right to respect and dignity. Failure to relate to others in this way
violates their personhood and devalues human beings created and redeemed by
God.
The apostle Paul refers to the Church as “the household of
faith” which functions as an extended family, offering acceptance,
understanding, and comfort to all, especially to those who are hurting or
disadvantaged. Scripture portrays the
Church as a family in which personal and spiritual growth can occur as feelings
of betrayal, rejection, and grief give way to feelings of forgiveness, trust,
and wholeness. The Bible also speaks of
the Christian’s personal responsibility to protect his or her body temple from
desecration because it is the dwelling place of God.
Regrettably, family violence occurs in many Christian
homes. It can never be condoned. It severely affects the lives of all involved
and often results in long-term distorted perceptions of God, self, and others.
It is
our belief that the Church has a responsibility—
1. To
care for those involved in family violence and to respond to their needs by:
a. Listening to and
accepting those suffering from abuse, loving and affirming them as persons of
value and worth.
b. Highlighting the
injustices of abuse and speaking out in defense of victims both within the
community of faith and in society.
c. Providing a
caring, supportive ministry to families affected by violence and abuse, seeking
to enable both victims and perpetrators to access counseling by Seventh-day
Adventist professionals where available, or other professional resources in the
community.
d. Encouraging the
training and placement of licensed Seventh-day Adventist professional services
for both church members and the surrounding communities.
e. Offering a
ministry of reconciliation when the perpetrator’s repentance makes possible the
contemplation of forgiveness and restoration in relationships. Repentance always includes acceptance of full
responsibility for the wrongs committed, willingness to make restitution in
every way possible, and changes in behavior to eliminate the abuse.
f. Focusing the
light of the gospel on the nature of husband-wife, parent-child, and other
close relationships, and empowering individuals and families to grow toward
God’s ideals in their lives together.
g. Guarding against
the ostracism of either victims or perpetrators within the family or church
community, while firmly holding perpetrators responsible for their actions.
2. To strengthen
family life by:
a. Providing family
life education which is grace-oriented and includes a biblical understanding of
the mutuality, equality, and respect indispensable to Christian relationships.
b. Increasing
understanding of the factors that contribute to family violence.
c. Developing ways to
prevent abuse and violence and the recurring cycle often observed within
families and across generations.
d. Rectifying
commonly held religious and cultural beliefs which may be used to justify or
cover up family violence. For example,
while parents are instructed by God to redemptively correct their children,
this responsibility does not give license for the use of harsh, punitive
disciplinary measures.
3. To accept our
moral responsibility to be alert and responsive to abuse within the families of
our congregations and our communities, and to declare that such abusive
behavior is a violation of Seventh-day Adventist Christian standards. Any indications or reports of abuse must not
be minimized but seriously considered.
For church members to remain indifferent and unresponsive is to condone,
perpetuate, and possibly extend family violence.
If we are to live as children of the light, we must
illuminate the darkness where family violence occurs in our midst. We must care for one another, even when it
would be easier to remain uninvolved.
(The above
statement is informed by principles expressed in the following scriptural
passages: Ex 20:12; Matt 7:12; 20:25-28; Mark 9:33-45; John 13:34; Rom 12:10,
13; l Cor 6:19; Gal 3:28; Eph 5:2, 3, 21-27; 6:1-4; Col 3:12-14; 1 Thess 5:11;
1 Tim 5:5-8.)
Adopted
at the Annual Council of the General Conference Executive Committee, October
1996. Brochure prepared by Department of
Family Ministries, General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists, 12501 Old
Columbia Pike, Silver Spring,
MD 20904
USA. 07/97
Seventh-day Adventist Statement on Child Sexual Abuse
Child sexual abuse occurs when a person older or stronger
than the child uses his or her power, authority, or position of trust to
involve a child in sexual behavior or activity.
Incest, a specific form of child sexual abuse, is defined as any sexual
activity between a child and a parent, a sibling, an extended family member, or
a step/surrogate parent.
Sexual abusers may be men or women and may be of any age,
nationality, or socio-economic background.
They are often men who are married with children, have respectable jobs,
and may be regular churchgoers. It is
common for offenders to strongly deny their abusive behavior, to refuse to see
their actions as a problem, and to rationalize their behavior or place blame on
something or someone else. While it is
true that many abusers exhibit deeply rooted insecurities and low self-esteem,
these problems should never be accepted as an excuse for sexually abusing a
child. Most authorities agree that the
real issue in child sexual abuse is more related to a desire for power and
control than for sex.
When God created the human family, He began with a marriage
between a man and a woman based on mutual love and trust. This relationship is still designed to
provide the foundation for a stable, happy family in which the dignity, worth,
and integrity of each family member is protected and upheld. Every child, whether male or female, is to be
affirmed as a gift from God. Parents are
given the privilege and responsibility of providing nurture, protection, and
physical care for the children entrusted to them by God. Children should be able to honor, respect,
and trust their parents and other family members without the risk of abuse.
The Bible condemns child sexual abuse in the strongest
possible terms. It sees any attempt to
confuse, blur, or denigrate personal, generational, or gender boundaries
through sexually abusive behavior as an act of betrayal and a gross violation
of personhood. It openly condemns abuses
of power, authority, and responsibility because these strike at the very heart
of the victims’ deepest feelings about themselves, others, and God, and shatter
their capacity to love and trust. Jesus used
strong language to condemn the actions of anyone who, through word or deed,
causes a child to stumble.
The Adventist Christian community is not immune from child
sexual abuse. We believe that the tenets
of the Seventh-day Adventist faith require us to be actively involved in its
prevention. We are also committed to
spiritually assisting abused and abusive individuals and their families in
their healing and recovery process, and to holding church professionals and
church lay leaders accountable for maintaining their personal behavior as is
appropriate for persons in positions of spiritual leadership and trust.
As a
Church we believe our faith calls us to:
1. Uphold the
principles of Christ for family relationships in which the self-respect,
dignity, and purity of children are recognized as divinely mandated rights.
2. Provide an
atmosphere where children who have been abused can feel safe when reporting
sexual abuse and can feel that someone will listen to them.
3. Become thoroughly
informed about sexual abuse and its impact upon our own church community.
4. Help ministers and
lay leaders to recognize the warning signs of child sexual abuse and know how
to respond appropriately when abuse is suspected or a child reports being
sexually abused.
5. Establish referral
relationships with professional counselors and local sexual assault agencies
who can, with their professional skills, assist abuse victims and their
families.
6. Create
guidelines/policies at the appropriate levels to assist church leaders in:
a. Endeavoring to treat with fairness
persons accused of sexually abusing children,
b. Holding abusers accountable for
their actions and administering appropriate discipline.
7. Support the
education and enrichment of families and family members by:
a. Dispelling commonly held religious
and cultural beliefs which may be used to justify or cover up child sexual
abuse.
b. Building a healthy sense of personal
worth in each child which enables him or her to respect self and others.
c. Fostering Christlike relationships
between males and females in the home and in the church.
8. Provide caring
support and a faith-based redemptive ministry within the church community for
abuse survivors and abusers while enabling them to access the available network
of professional resources in the community.
9. Encourage the
training of more family professionals to facilitate the healing and recovery
process of abuse victims and perpetrators.
(The above
statement is informed by principles expressed in the following scriptural
passages: Gen 1:26-28; 2:18-25; Lev
18:20; 2 Sam 13:1-22; Matt 18:6-9; 1 Cor 5:1-5; Eph 6:1-4; Col 3:18-21; 1 Tim
5:5-8.)
Adopted at the Spring Meeting of the General Conference
Executive Committee, April 1997.
Brochure prepared by Department of Family Ministries, General Conference
of Seventh-day Adventists, 12501 Old Columbia Pike, Silver Spring, MD 20904 USA. 07/97
